


The Forsaken Soldier

by Nerd_writer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, Everyone Loves Bucky, Hearing Voices, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Multiple Partners, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Panic Attacks, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, bucky hears a voice in his head, but he gets what's coming to him, certain events will happen but differently, except himself, more tags to be added later, zemo's still a little shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 11:02:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15817569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_writer/pseuds/Nerd_writer
Summary: Bucky thinks its time to reach out for help after two years alone. He's brought to the tower and ends up with more than he bargained for when Thor asks to court him. As he's balancing courting and recovering, he falls a little harder for Tony and T'Challa as well. Then he discovers it's okay to have all three and his life gets turned upside down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There won't be a scheduled update day, but I will try to have a new chapter out every two weeks or so. I don't know how long it's going to end up being, but i'm guessing a decent size because I already have eight chapters written out and I haven't even gotten to the main plot. So yeah...Also the rating will change as the story progresses, so watch out for that, and eventually there will be smut between four men. So warning on that. Otherwise I'll add tags and warnings as they happen

All he knows is pain. 

He doesn't remember a time free of pain and cold and orders. Every time he starts to want, it's beaten out of him. Every time he questions his orders, they strap him to that damned chair and shock it out of his system. 

So he's learned not to question. He's trainable like that. 

_ We're a monster. _

There's that voice again. He doesn't understand where it comes from. He only hears it in his head. The voice always sounds sad, like it's not getting what it wants. 

He had asked about it. Only answer he got was another session in the chair. He decided it wasn't worth questioning about it more. But it's been there since he could remember. Which, granted, isn't very long. 

_ Why are you doing this? We're better than this. _

It always talks to him like they're the same person, but different. He doesn't understand. He's learned not to question what he doesn't understand. 

_ He's innocent. _

No. He's the target. He approaches the vehicle that is smoking against a tree. He has his orders. 

_ Howard... _

Is that his name? He doesn't care. He retrieves the case and kills his target. Never question an order. 

_ Maria! _

He tunes out the voice as he takes care of the female. No survivors. That was what he was told. And he never questions his orders. 

_ They didn't deserve that. _

Didn't they? His target became a target for his work in science. His handlers deemed him a threat and sent him to deal with the problem. An order. He cannot question it. 

_ You don't deserve this. _

Doesn't he? He was bred for this. He was made into this. He was given an advanced weapon and trained not to question orders. He lives a life of pain and cold and orders. He knows nothing else. 

_ You used to be more. You used to be me. _

But who was it? He doesn't understand. How can he be the voice? He doesn't remember and he knows that if he asks, he'll just get more pain. He tamps down the voice and reports back to his handlers. No survivors. He didn't question orders. Mission complete. 

They give him pain anyways.

* * *

 

The man on the bridge. He said a name. He seemed familiar.

_ I can't remember him. Why can't I remember him? _

Probably because of the years of being on ice and years of missions. After all these years, the voice is faint. Like it’s given up. Like it’s defeated. 

"Mission report."

Why does he care about the voice? The voice of the person he used to be? Who was he?

"Mission report now."

"The man on the bridge...Who was he?"

He has to know. He's willing to risk pain for answers now. It's hard to ask, knowing he's invoking the wrath of his handlers, but he has to know. 

"You met him earlier this week on another assignment."

Not good enough. It didn't answer his question. 

"I knew him." 

He didn't mean to let it slip. Didn't mean to admit that. 

_ We knew him. We knew him in another life. Why can't I remember his name? _

"Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped this century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning, we're going to give it a push. But if you don't do your part, I can't do mine, and HYDRA can't give the world the freedom it deserves."

_ Gift. Right. We're a fucking monster. You killed us. _

But he's breathing. He isn't dead.

_ Yes you are. You're just a machine at this point. There's no hope for you. You're going to do what he says because it's what you've been doing the last seventy years. You're not like the man on the bridge. We knew him.  _

"But I knew him."

"Prep him."

"He's been out of cryo-freeze too long."

He has. He almost feels warm which means his handlers are going to put him on ice soon. They always do. 

"Then wipe him and start over."

What? What did he do? 

_ You questioned your orders, dipshit. Thanks to you, we get more pain. _

That wasn't what he wanted! Wait... Please...

They put a guard in his mouth and the screaming starts.

* * *

 

He doesn't hear the voice again when he next sees the man. He thinks the last round in the chair was the tipping point. They upped the power and kept him longer. His head hurts but he ignores it. 

Where's the voice? He doesn't realize how lonely he is until it's gone. He ignores that too. He's gotten good at ignoring pain. 

"People are going to die, Buck. I can't let that happen."

It's  _ his _ fault. The man's the reason he questioned orders and got the voice taken away. The man's the reason his head hurts constantly and his bones feel cold. 

"Please, don't make me do this."

He had said please. And they still gave him pain. What does please do? Absolutely nothing. He lunges at the man and they fight. 

He's good. Better than what he's expecting. They fight for awhile and then he stabs the man in the shoulder to let go of the chip. He picks it up but he's not expecting the man to take the knife out and grab his throat. 

"Drop it! Drop it!"

How is he this strong? How is he beating him? He screams when the blond man breaks his flesh arm and feels the darkness creep up when he doesn't let up on his throat. 

It's almost a blessing when he slips under. The darkness is kind and warm, something he doesn't remember ever happening to him. He feels at peace for once in his life. 

And then it ends. His damned blood wakes him up. It brings him back into pain and cold. He wants it to end. Wants the pain to leave him forever. 

But he stills gets up and fights. He cannot question orders. To do so results in pain. He's so tired. Tired of it all. 

"You know me."

He can't know him. To know him brings even more pain. He's just tired of pain. 

"No, I don't!"

He can't. He can't do it. So tired. 

"Bucky, you've known me your whole life. Your name is James Buchanan Barnes."

Is it? He doesn't know but the man is still talking. Every word makes him relive that last bout of pain. He just wants to sleep forever in warmth. 

"Shut up!"

Why won't he shut up? Why does he insist on talking? 

"I'm not going to fight you. You're my friend."

He can't have friends. Friends don't belong with orders. Never question the orders. To do so results in pain. 

"You're my mission. You're my mission!" 

He has to repeat it. To remind himself more than the man. To remind himself that he can't have friends. It's dangerous. 

"Then finish it."

The man's face is bloody. He's close to killing the man. One more solid hit and the man will be dead, dragging all of his questions and hesitations to the grave. 

"Cause I'm with you to the end of the line."

_ I know that line. _

He doesn't have time to rejoice that the voice is back in his head, sounding more tired and faint than ever. Everything is falling around them. 

_ I think I said it once. To that man. I did. I said it to- _

Something fell and the man from the bridge plummeted towards the water. It was all he could do to hang on. 

_ Steve! _

He didn't think. Just dropped and landed in the cold water. Why was everything so cold? He searched for the man, finding him floating in the water. He grabbed him and hauled him to land, bypassing everything that fell around them. 

_ Steve's his name! I'm sure of it!  _

Steve. It fits. Steve called him Bucky. It doesn't fit. Nothing fits him. Except maybe the Winter Soldier. Because he's always so cold. So tired. 

He left him on the river bank. He couldn't risk him waking up and seeing him there. Steve doesn't deserve that. 

_ Steve... _

He wonders how long the voice will stay this time. He's so lonely and he knows there will be hell to pay. He questioned so many orders. He saved his target. He left survivors. 

But he's so tired.

* * *

 

He visits the museum. A part of him wishes it will provide the answers he's looking for. He wants to know so many things. He wants many things. 

Freedom. He wants freedom from the pain. He wants to be able to ask a question and not worry about how much pain that question is worth. 

Warmth. He wants to feel warm for the first time. He wants to sleep in a bed and not a tube that freezes his blood. He wants to sleep and wake up the next day, not a decade later. 

Kindness. He wants that one the most. He wants it so bad he nearly cries. He wants to know what a kind hand feels like, caressing his face as it delivers gentle touches and promises it intends to keep. 

_ You can have those things. Go find Steve. _

No. He can't. He is a monster, bred for killing. Punished for questioning orders. Tortured and frozen simply because he can be. He can't taint Steve with his darkness. He can't do that to him. 

_ You deserve it. _

No, he doesn't. He'll never deserve it. He is angry and disgusted with himself. Instead of answers, it makes him want. It makes him long for things he can't have.

No matter how much the voice screams.

* * *

 

He dismantles HYDRA. Over the course of two years, he has destroyed all the big bases and most of the small ones. What's left of HYDRA is floundering, dying off as the agents start to realize it wasn't worth their lives. 

_ It's time to find Steve. _

No. Steve is pure and he doesn't want to destroy that too. He's still broken, still cold all the time, and still lonely. He started to remember more and keeps his memories in journals. He has twelve now, filled up with bits and pieces of his past. He has them separated. Six leather journals for his bad memories, six hard covers for the good ones. 

Three hard covers are filled with just memories of Steve. He wants to remember every single thing and writes it down as soon as he thinks of it. 

“You buyin’ or what?”

He looks up at the harsh voice and finds himself looking at an angry man with white hair and more wrinkles than his well worn journals. Startled, he shakes his head and steps back, already lowering his eyes to avoid fighting. He's had enough of violence. 

“Get to steppin’ then. Fuckin’ hobos,” the man says, grumbling the last part. 

Frowning, he does, aware that other vendors heard the man and are now looking at him like he's going to steal something. 

_ As if,  _ the voice says angrily.  _ You've got as much right to be here as anyone. _

Does he? After all, probably nobody here has worked for a secret Nazi group as a loaded weapon. 

_ Not a weapon anymore. Stop that. _

He ignores the voice and decides to buy food elsewhere. He has money, he does little jobs here and there, but he doesn't want to buy from people who yell at him. 

“Hey, man, you okay?” It's a teenager this time, a young boy who looks like he just entered high school. He stops and looks warily at the boy, unsure why has talking to him. “I saw what happened. Old Man Thomas is just a sourpuss. Want me to get something? My aunt always says we need to help those who need it.” 

He doesn't want this teenager to talk to him. Doesn't want to accidentally hurt him if something happens and he resorts back to his conditioning. It doesn't matter that he hasn't had an episode in six months, he doesn't want to take chances on this starry-eyed kid. 

He shakes his head and turns to leave. The kid does something stupid and grabs his arm. Freezing in place, he stares at him.

“Whoa, sorry! But, seriously, I want to help!” The teenager bites his lip, then grins widely. “I know! Come with me. You can take a shower at my place. My aunt’s home, so you can't kill me. It's perfect!”

He stares more. What?

_ This kid is nuts! _

He agrees with the voice. Who invites a stranger to their home? One they just met?

“Come on, please? I've seen you before, I know you're a good guy. You actually saved Ben and Jack’s life two months ago! The bus thing?”

He remembers. A man had been walking a dog when a bus had whipped around the corner. He had tackled them from the side and knocked them out of the way. 

_ Well...We do need a bath. _

No. He shakes his head, disagreeing with the voice, but the teenager’s face falls. Great. Now the kid looks like a kicked puppy. 

“Only if your aunt is okay with it,” he finds himself saying. What the fuck is he doing? The teenager lights up and is already pulling a phone from his pocket. He stares at the phone, a piece of the future that had been denied to him. He has no idea how they work, but he knows everyone has one.

“Aunt May! Yeah, everything's fine, I just had a question. You remember that guy that saved Ben’s life? Yeah, him. He just got told off by Old Man Thomas. Yeah. Yep. Uh huh.  _ Yes.  _ Ok, cool! Thanks!” He hangs up and turns to him, grinning brightly. “Aunt May said you can eat with us. And shower. Let's go!”

He has no choice but to follow the excited teenager. He talks a lot on the way there. He learns the teenager’s name is Peter and that his parents are dead. He lives with his aunt and hopes to become a scientist. 

He doesn't offer up any information on himself, but Peter doesn't seem to notice. He does falter when asked what his name is. 

“Uh, James,” he says, panicking a little. But Peter just nods and continues talking. He breathes a little better, but then reaches up to scratch his growing beard.

“Whoa, you have a metal arm? That's so cool!” Peter says. James can tell he's itching to ask more, but refrains himself as they approach a building. Peter leads him through the lobby and down the first floor hallway until they reach a door that says 1H. Peter throws it open and invites him in.

This was a mistake. He should just leave. What was he thinking?

_ We need to eat. And you haven't showered in nearly a week,  _ the voice reminds him. 

“Oh, hello. I'm May,” a woman is saying, extending her hand. He stares at it for a split second before remembering what to do. He shakes her hand with his flesh one, creating a slightly awkward shake, but she doesn't mention it. 

In spite of the weirdness of the situation, May is perfectly calm. She talks to him with no hesitation and even guides him to the shower, like she does this all the time. He wonders if Peter makes it a habit to pick up random hobos. Once he's given instructions on where to put his clothes once he's undressed, he's left alone in the pristine bathroom. Slightly overwhelmed, he takes a minute to focus on his breathing and to check to make sure he's in his right head. He doesn't want to slip into an episode here and hurt the two wonderfully nice people.

There's a knock on the door and he opens it. May is holding a plain white shirt and black sweats that says Just Do It on the side. 

“Here. My boyfriend has some clothes here, he's about your size.” She smiles as he takes them and leaves again. Again, he wonders why they're being so nice to him. 

_ You deserve this. You deserve kindness. _

But after everything he's done? 

_ Yes. Now get in the shower.  _

He nods and undresses, carefully folding each item and gently placing his backpack on the ground. He sets the folded pile outside the door and turns to the shower. 

It takes him a moment to figure out how to turn it on. This is slightly fancier than the showers at shelters, but he figures it out and steps into the slowly warming water. 

He was given a washcloth and now puts soap on it, slowly working it up into a lather. He scrubs at his skin, uncaring of how rough the cloth is. He's surprised though when the cloth is gentle and the soap doesn't scratch him. 

_ So soft… _

He agrees. The soap smells nice and isn't hard and lumpy like the shelter’s soaps. He cleans all the grime off and turns to inspect the shampoo bottles. One says original scent and the other is strawberries. He hesitates, then picks the fruit scent. He likes fresh fruit and wants to smell it every time his hair swishes.

He doesn't take long, maybe ten minutes altogether, but he feels the cleanest he's ever felt when he gets out. The towel is even softer than the washcloth and he just stands there stupidly for a second, holding the towel to his face. It smells faintly of lavender and it's a bright blue color. Finally, he dries off and dresses in the borrowed clothes. When he exits, he notices instantly that someone took the folded clothes away. He pads barefoot down the short hall and sees a man talking with May. Peter is gone. 

“Oh, hey, you must be James,” the man says after he sees him. “I'm Ben.”

He shakes Ben’s hand, then remembers to smile. Ben’s answering one is warm and unhesitating. 

“I've been looking for you,” Ben says, causing a small panic as James’ eyes widen. Why was he looking for him? Was Ben HYDRA?

“You saved my life, and my dog’s life. Ever since, I've been waiting for you to show up again so I can thank you,” Ben continues. 

He slowly puts it together. That's why May was so quick to invite a stranger into her home. He had saved this man, who he knows now was the one walking the dog. He had saved them both. They were doing all this to  _ thank _ him. The concept is foreign to him. 

He has to clear his throat, but he says, “It was no big deal.” 

“No big deal? We could’ve died that day. We’re still alive, thanks to you,” Ben said. He looks James over, then clicks his fingers. “You're a vet, aren't you?” 

James shakes his head. “No, I don't have a job.”

_ Idiot… _ the voice says fondly.  _ Not that kind of vet. _

Ben smiles kindly. “No, a veteran. You've been in the war?”

“Oh, yeah,” he says. For nearly a century, he thinks. 

“Me too. I served in Iraq, two tours.” Ben leads him to the couch and they sit, with May facing them in a recliner. “I thought so. You’ve got fast reflexes, huh?”

_ If only you knew. _

He agrees. The only reason he knew the bus was coming was because he could hear it. He had been given a simplified version of the serum that made Steve big and it amplified his senses. 

But he says none of that, only nods and brushes a lock of hair from his face.

“You know, I know a guy that can help. He actually works with the Avengers now, but he was stationed in DC when we met. He used to be a pararescue and he's a great counselor.” Ben takes his phone out and scribbles something onto a piece of paper. He hands it to him. It's a bunch of numbers. “You should call him. If you want. I know what it's like to not want help.”

He can't ask for help. No one can help him.

_ Well, if he works for the Avengers, he's used to weird. _

He knows Steve is an Avenger now from hearing a news show. He knows the team consists of quite a few different people and that one of the newest recruits is a young female that everyone seems scared of.

_ “Scarlet Witch doesn't belong with them! She tried to kill them! She's a freak!”  _

That had been said by a man who drank too much. James had frowned and he noticed, threatening to beat him up if he didn't quit staring. The voice had wanted to defend the girl, but James avoided violence if he could.

“Lunch is done. You hungry?” Ben asks, drawing his mind away from the Avengers. He nods and follows Ben and May to the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky meets some of the Avengers and has a couple panic attacks

James manages small bites of the rich pasta. He’s not used to homecooked meals like this and his stomach is almost full, not even halfway finished. Peter, who had been doing laundry, talked the most, filling his aunt and Ben in on what happened before he ran into James. They were content to just let James eat.

“So, where have you been staying, James?” 

Or so he thought. He swallows his mouthful and shrugs, not really answering Ben’s question. 

“In a shelter?” Ben guesses. 

“Sometimes,” he answers honestly, surprising himself. But there’s something about this small family that made James want to be honest. “Mostly in the park when coppers aren’t around.”

“Coppers?” Peter asks, grinning. 

He hadn’t meant to call them that. He’s aware that no one in this decade calls the police ‘coppers’ anymore, but he remembers a time where that was the popular word. He flushes a light pink and Peter grunts as his aunt smacks the back of his head. 

“Have you ever tried the VA?” Ben asks.

“VA?” He’s never heard of that. The voice is clueless too, which isn’t reassuring. 

“Veterans Affairs. They work with vets, get them back on track. How long’s it been since you’ve been home?” Ben’s tone is more gentle, like he knows it’s a sensitive subject. 

He briefly panics, not knowing what to say. He can’t just blurt out that he served in the second great war, nor can he tell them about the extensive decades under HYDRA’s thumb. He settles on two years, since that was when he became his own person. 

“Two years.”

Ben nods, so he thinks he did okay. “I’ve been home three now. I get it. I really think they can help you. They help with housing, therapy, you name it. They got me Jack.”

Could they help recondition his brain so it was safe? 

_ Stop it. Besides, it might help. You could see Steve faster. _

The voice is always telling him to go to Steve. It doesn’t approve of James not seeking him out. He nods, slowly, and takes the paper out of the sweatpants’ pocket. 

“This is a counselor?” he asks, holding it up. Ben nods. “I don’t know how to use a phone. But I want to meet him. To see if he can help.” 

“Can’t use-” Peter grunts again. This time, James thinks May kicked him. “Sorry.”

“No problem. I’ll text him right now. He usually replies pretty fast unless he’s on a mission,” Ben says, taking his phone out and tapping the screen. James takes another slow bite of pasta. “You don’t have to finish that. I can wrap it up for you.”

James nods again and sets his fork down. He feels slightly bad for not finishing, a long dead voice whispering  _ There are others who are starving, James Barnes. Finish your food.  _ It reminds him of a woman, making him wonder if he’s remembering his mother. 

“How do you feel about meeting him today?” Ben asks. “He said it doesn’t have to be today, but he’s free if you are.”

_ Do it. Get better so we can see Steve,  _ the voice prompts.

He blows out a breath, making his hair flutter, then nods. He notices he nods a lot, never really using his words. Ben taps away and May sends him a bright smile. 

“You’ll like Sam. He’s very nice and he got Peter an internship at Stark Industries,” May says, ruffling Peter’s hair. As expected, Peter ducks and whines, fixing his hair. 

“Aunt May!” But Peter isn’t meeting her eyes, making James wonder what he’s hiding. He’s not going to bring it up though, not after they just fed him and let him use their shower. And especially not after they treated his metal arm like a part of him. He’s noticed that Ben and May glanced at it, but said nothing and haven’t stared since. Peter looks at it every now and then, but not with disgust. He seems fascinated with it.

“Okay, he says meet him at Barnes’ Diner in an hour. That will give your clothes time to finish, it’s right up the street,” Ben says. 

Something small lodges itself in James’ throat.  _ Barnes’ Diner _ ? Was it a coincidence or did they know? Was this all a trick and they were really HYDRA and he was heading to his own death?

“Hey, hey, hey, easy now.” Ben’s voice sounds far away and muffled, like he’s screaming through water. James is aware he’s breathing too fast, his chest feels tight. He’s drowning! 

_ “Come on, Steve. Breath in and out.” _

_ “Shut up, Buck. I can handle this.” _

_ “Don’t look like it, punk. I told ya you shoulda worn something heavier.” _

_ “Can it, jerk. It was nicer earlier.” _

His own breathing evens out as the voice recalls another memory of Steve, when he was small, having trouble breathing due to his lungs. It had been a cold day and Steve had nearly passed out, not having told James that they needed to go inside somewhere warm. 

“There you are,” Ben says as James’ eyes focus and his breathing slows. He becomes aware that he’s sitting on the floor, Ben’s hand on his back, grounding him. He focuses on the touch and flushes bright red. He’s embarrassed now. “You okay?” Ben asks, peering into his eyes. 

He nods and looks up. May and Peter are watching him, but not like a freak on display. He can see genuine worry in their eyes. 

“I’m fine,” he says, taking Ben’s offered hand and standing with him. 

“Is it the meeting? You can always wait on that,” Ben says. He shakes his head. 

“No. Uh, I knew someone named Barnes.” It’s not an exact lie. He doesn’t recognize the James Barnes he used to be. Now he’s some cocktail of James Barnes and the Asset, a reactive mixture that was guaranteed to blow up in his face. 

Ben doesn’t question it, making him extremely grateful that he’s been through the same experience. Well, mostly. He thinks there’s no one alive who’s been through the exact same experience.

“I can tell Sam to meet somewhere else?” 

James looks up at Ben. He’s really trying to help, he thinks. He doesn’t want to make Ben or Sam do more work, he shakes his head as he accepts Ben’s hand to stand. 

“No. It’s fine. What better way to face it, than with a counselor?” he jokes. But it falls slightly flat. He shifts his feet as Peter slips away to change the clothes. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” May says. 

“You’ve got a point,” Ben adds, smiling. He seems to think of something, then continues. “Hey, you seem like a decent guy. Until Sam figures something out for you, would you like to stay at my place? My roommate is on vacation for three weeks, so I’ve got an empty room.”

He stares at first. He really doesn’t know what to say to such kindness, so he stares, a bit wide-eyed. 

_ Just accept it. You won’t hurt him. _

The voice is sure, but he’s not. What if he slips? What if something happens and he comes to and Ben’s on the floor, dead? What if-

_ Nothing’s gonna happen! I won’t let it. _

He finds himself opening his mouth. “Only if you’re sure,” he says without his permission.

Ben is nodding. “Totally. Like I said, I know how it is, plus I want to repay you for saving Jack. He’s what kept me going the whole time, I don’t know what I’d do if he died.” May rubs his arm. James looks at where her hand is connected to his arm and wonders what that would be like. To have someone love you unconditionally, despite everything. 

They sit in the living room and talk until Peter comes up with dry clothes. No one questions his backpack and no one mentions the arm. It’s almost relaxing. He’s careful when answering, but no one thinks anything about it. He learns that Ben had joined the army at eighteen. Did the two tours, then was honorably discharged three years ago. Jack was his service dog that the VA had gotten him when he kept having panic episodes. James learns that Jack is at the vet for gallstones to be removed.  

He edits his own life story, but they got the gist of it. Captured in the war, tortured, made to do things he’d never do in his right mind. They seemed to understand him better and Ben gave him another piece of paper, this time with an address on it. For when he gets done with Sam, Ben says. It’s Ben’s home address. 

Dressed in his own clothes, which give him a sense of comfort, James heads out towards the diner. Ben had given him directions and he was pretty sure he could find it. 

As he walks, he takes in everything. Everything is so flashy now, bright lights even in daytime, people in small clothes and different colored hair, and two men walking down the street, holding hands. He stares a bit at the last one. Two men? And they’re not getting yelled at or arrested? 

_ Times have changed.  _

The voice is sad, like it’s remembering an easier time with dull colors and simple rules. He agrees with the voice and realizes he’s walked right past the diner. He backtracks and pauses by the door, studying the building. It’s small and a dull brown brick. But the sign is a light purple with darker purple colors. There are cakes and pies in the window, showcased to draw in hungry customers. As he walks in, a tiny bell jingles.

The inside is warm. Warmth has always been taken from him, so he takes a moment to just bask in the warm air. It’s filled with tables and chairs, but it’s not crowded, which he likes. The counter is long and the desserts are on one end. The sound of cooking food is faint from behind the kitchen doors and there’s a small window where plates are being put out to be taken to tables. There’s not a lot of people, mostly couples, which draws his attention to another same gendered couple. Two women are sitting side by side, one is laughing while the other is telling a story. The laughing one quiets and gazes at the talking one with such adoration that James has to look away. It hurts his heart, to see that and know he’ll never have that. 

_ You will. Just be patient. _

How, he asks the voice. How can he be patient when he’s already lost nearly a century to pain? 

“James?” a male voice asks from behind. He turns and the first thing he notices is the dark, smooth skin. It’s so pretty, accompanied by dark lips and even darker eyes. James sees the man’s pupils contract in fear. He looks familiar, but James can’t remember. He worries that he hurt this man before and his past is about to bite him in the ass. 

“I’m sorry,” he blurts before the man can run. He looks close to bolting and James doesn’t want him to leave. He doesn’t want to disappoint Ben and May. The man’s face tightens until no emotion shows. 

“You have a lot of nerve, don’t you? What did you do to Ben?” the man demands, quietly enough as to not attract attention. 

“Nothing! I swear! I don’t know you, I just wanted help and Ben said he knew a guy and so I said okay and he texted you and-” He’s not aware he’s rambling until the man holds up a finger. 

“You don’t remember me?”

So he has met this man before. That thought makes his stomach roll with nerves. He shakes his head and the man studies him closer. Finally, he gestures to the table he had been sitting at. James takes a seat slowly, still unsure if this was a good idea or not. 

“I’m sorry for whatever I did,” James says. The man, which he now knows as Sam, frowns slightly.

“You really can’t remember.” This is more of a mumble, like the man is talking to himself. James wonders if he has a voice in his head too. “This is too weird. Okay, what do you remember?”

That’s a broad question and James says so. Sam nods, like he passed a test, and clarifies.

“What do you remember about me?” he asks. James is quiet as he tries to think. He glances down and sees Sam’s hands, dark and calloused. Suddenly, a memory comes to him of Sam’s hands on a steering wheel. He remembers punching glass and ripping it out of those strong hands. Then, as if the one memory opens a gate, he remembers that day. He had fought Steve and was unprepared for the Black Widow and a human with wings on his back. Sam had been the one with wings. 

James looks down, red with shame. This was a mistake. He needs to get out of here! He hurt Sam! He needs to- James lurches up from the seat and takes off, ignoring gasps from customers and Sam’s curses. James exits the diner and runs without direction. He needs to leave New York. It’s too risky now that Sam knows he’s here.

He runs for five minutes, never slowing, always changing directions. Some people stare, but he’s sprinting at this point, so he doesn’t see them. He knows, with the serum’s help, that only Steve can catch him when he runs like this, and Steve wasn’t there. There’s no way they could find him now. 

_ Watch out! _

The warning comes too late. He crashes into the metal suit and sends them both tumbling down. He hears a robotic voice cursing, then metal hands are gripping his wrists. He panics more and struggles. His own metal hand clamps down on the hand holding his flesh one. He bends the metal back and hears a strangled curse, then the hands move to his shoulders

“Friday, ETA on Cap?” The robotic voice is strained. James has no idea who Friday is, but he knows Cap. Steve…

He kicks out and hits more metal. If James had been a regular human, it would have broken his foot, but it just dents the metal. 

“Hey! Calm down! I’m not here to hurt you!” the robot says. James isn’t aware he’s screaming until he coughs and his throat feels raw. Then the face lifts up and he sees a regular man with dark brown hair. He’s so confused that he stops screaming and struggling just to stare. 

“Tony?” It’s Steve! He sounds far away, but he knows how fast Steve can move. He resumes struggling and kicks again.

“Stop kicking me!” the man yells, frustrated. “Over here, Cap! Hurry! Can’t hold him much longer!”

“No! No! NO!” 

It takes him a second to realize it’s his own voice screaming no. His throat burns hotly and his vision blurs with tears. Suddenly, the metal human releases him and steps back. He instantly bolts, but then realizes why the man did so. Steve tackles him, then quickly releases him. 

“Bucky! Stop fighting, it’s me,” he says. 

_ Steve! _

He ignores the voice, but quiets down. He doesn’t want to hurt Steve. His flesh hand shakily touches his cheek and comes away wet. He’s crying. 

“Bucky,” Steve says, much too happy for the situation as they stand. 

“My name is James,” he says stupidly. Steve’s face falters, making James’ stomach clench. It’s like watching another puppy get kicked. And he thought Peter’s face was effective. The teenager has nothing on Steve. 

He hunches his shoulders and makes himself seem smaller. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone, though he knows he hurt the metal man in his panicked struggle. “I’m sorry,” he tells the man, who looks half annoyed, half surprised. 

“You nearly destroyed my suit,” the man says, flexing his hands. James can see where the metal is dented from his foot and fingers. Shame rises in his throat. 

“Tony.” Steve’s voice is sharp, reminding James of a time when Steve was small, ready to fight the world. The metal man glares, then sighs.

“Yeah whatever. My suit’s fixable,” he says. 

“How did you find me?” James asks. Tony snorts. 

“It’s not hard to track someone who’s running through New York,” he explains. 

“Sam didn’t tell us much, he didn’t have time. What’s going on?” Steve asks, his eyes hopeful and kind. James stomach twists again with the memory of Sam. 

“I didn't want to hurt him. I had to get out of there,” he says. 

“Why did you seek out Sam?” Steve is confused. “He was meeting someone his friend-” He stops, then looks confused. James saves him the trouble of trying to figure it out. 

“I met Ben because of Peter. They were very nice to me and I wanted help, so Ben said he’d talk to a counselor to meet me. He offered me a place to stay because I saved a dog.” 

_ Smooth. I’m sure they understood that _ .

He mentally glares at the voice. He’s trying. That’s what counts. 

“A dog?” Tony sounds amused, but Steve cuts over him.

“Come with us, we can help,” Steve says, holding a hand out. The voice screams at him to accept, but he just stands there, staring at him. 

It’s not safe. He’s not fixed. He doesn’t want to hurt Steve again. Doesn’t want to hurt anyone. But he finds himself reaching out to accept it. No! What if he hurts Steve?

_ Relax. You’ve already come so far from where you began. It’s time to start trusting in yourself. _

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t trust himself at all. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone, especially Steve. 

“You have to promise me something,” he says urgently. Tony is instantly defensive, but Steve just nods. “If anything happens, you have to kill me.”

“Deal,” Tony says, sticking his own hand out. Steve slaps it away.

“No! We won’t kill you. We’ll just restrain you until we figure something out,” Steve says. James feels the urge to roll his eyes. This definitely sounds like the Steve from his journals. Speaking of...There! His backpack is unharmed, tossed to the side from when he had slammed into Tony. He picks it up and hugs it to his chest, a comfort from his emotions. His chest still hurts, though he knows most of it is mental. HYDRA did too good a job to let him be in pain too long. Unless they were the ones dealing it out. 

Tony does roll his eyes. “You got this, Cap? I’ve got to go fix my suit,” he says, not looking at James. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.” 

They speak at the same time and James reaches out to gently touch the metal hand. Tony’s eyes follow his flesh hand as James touches one of the dents. He’s close to crying, too many emotions are clouding up his mind. He hurt so many people and now he’s ruined Tony’s suit. He doesn’t fully understand what the suit is, but he knows it protects Tony and he nearly destroyed it. 

Tony’s eyes are unreadable as he glances up at James. “It’s fine. You didn’t do much damage, it’s fixable,” he repeats. Tony glances over at Steve. “I’ll prepare the tower.”

He’s sure that’s code for something, but then Tony actually flies off. He didn’t know any humans, besides Sam, could fly. 

_ They can’t. Must be his suit. _

That makes sense. The metal suit that protects Tony must be able to fly. He watches until Tony is out of sight, then turns his attention to Steve. Steve’s eyes are soft, a contrast to his big body. James isn’t used to seeing Steve like this. He barely remembers a time when he first saw Steve big, helping him up from one of HYDRA’s tables. He had made a quip about Steve being smaller, then everything was on fire. 

“Bu-James, where have you been?” Steve asks. 

“Destroying HYDRA.” James shifts the bag to his back, slipping it over one arm. He scratches his cheek and thinks again of needing a haircut. 

“We’ve been following that. Did you get all of them?” Steve asks. 

James shakes his head. “Most. Pretty sure there’s like...twenty bases left in the whole world, but all the agents are dead or in hiding. Most of them decided it wasn’t worth dying by the Winter Soldier.” His tone is mocking, he never understood the name. How was he the Winter Soldier? He worked in all seasons, it made no sense. 

“When did you get to New York?”

This time he has to think. James remembers it being so cold against his bones, but the season is warmer now. “Six months, I think?”

_ Five. You arrived in November. It’s April 2nd now. _

“Five,” he corrects himself, thanking the voice.

Steve nods. “Why didn’t you just come to me?” he asks. James looks down, shifting. “Nevermind. Let’s get you home.”

Home. Like he has a place in this futuristic world. He doesn’t argue though, he has no energy to do so. Instead, he follows Steve to the tower. He had run into Tony in a fairly deserted park, so there were almost no people to witness it. One woman did ask Steve for an autograph, but that was it. 

Walking back took close to ten minutes. Steve wasn’t dressed as Captain America, so they weren’t bothered by anyone else. They reach the tower and James stops to stare. It cuts through the blue sky like a wound, jagged and tall. Avengers is in blue letters, drawing people’s attentions. They stand still with their phones pointed at the tower, then continue on like nothing happened. 

“Flashy, isn’t it,” Steve says, amusement in his voice. James nods. “Ready to go inside?”

Is he? Is he ready to begin this new chapter? Is he ready to meet everyone else that calls Steve a friend? 

_ Yes. Go inside. _

The voice is gentle and he needs little prompting after that. He nods again and follows Steve into the tower.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky meets the avengers and gets his arm looked at

It feels like a lifetime before he steps out onto the main floor. Every second spent in the elevator felt like a year, like he should step out wrinkled and close to death. James decides he doesn’t like elevators. 

The main floor, as Steve had said, was the top floor of the tower. It has a fully equipped kitchen, a theater room, training room, and a couple other rooms. Then, each Avenger gets their own floor, which astounds James. He’s never had anything, let alone a floor to himself as Steve said he would get. Steve explains that some people share floors, like Vision and Wanda. James wonders what kind of person is named Vision. Steve shares a floor with Sam and Clint shares with Natasha and Kate. He doesn’t know who any of these people are, but he suspects he’ll meet them soon. 

But when the elevator opens, there is no one. It is silent and still as they head into what Steve calls a ‘rec room’. There are three long couches surrounding a huge TV and a couple of tables scattered around. James hears breathing then, and realizes why it’s so quiet. They are hiding from him. 

“I told everyone to come out one at a time,” Steve says, correctly judging the look on James’ face. “I didn’t want you to get overwhelmed.”

He wonders how Steve said this when he hasn’t talked to anyone, but nods. Steve takes his phone out and taps the screen like Ben had done. A woman appears from the kitchen. She seems familiar too with her red hair and black clothes. The scene from the bridge fight jumps into his head, but there’s another reason. 

He looks at her feet and a new memory appears. Pink slippers surround him as he teaches girls to fight. The oldest can’t be more than twelve. They never smile as he runs them through punishing paces. The one with the red hair is promising. She never falters, never slows as he pushes harder. If any slow, they will be punished. 

“Black Widow,” he says. She nods, her face is the same blank stare he remembers. 

“Natasha,” Steve says to him. 

He wonders if they did her first because of this reaction. He tries to keep himself under control, but he really wants to run from her. He knows what the Black Widows are capable of. 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” she says. Her voice is soft, yet there’s an underlying steel to it. She holds her hands away from her body, palms open towards him. “See? Unarmed.”

It doesn’t reassure him. He knows every secret place a weapon can be hidden, but he gets her meaning. He nods and hunches his shoulders, trying to make himself look smaller. He knows the smaller you look, the less likely someone will attack. 

A man comes out next. He’s blond and battered, a bandaid across his brow and a cut lip. But he grins as he walks over and throws an arm around Natasha. He’s dressed in black too, but splashes of purple show through the black. 

“Hey, I’m Clint. And don’t worry. She only likes to kick my ass,” he says, turning his head slightly to grin at Natasha. James sees a device in his ear and realizes that Clint can’t hear very well. He wonders how he became an Avenger if he can’t hear people coming. 

_ Follow my lead. _

He listens to the voice and uses his flesh hand to sign.  _ “I’m James.” _

Clint looks surprised, making James wonder if he did something wrong. Then he grins even wider and signs back.  _ “You know sign?” _

_ “Yes.”  _ He doesn’t explain that the voice knows sign, remembering lessons from a neighbor when Steve’s hearing had started to go. He doesn’t remember very good, but the voice does. And he can’t explain how that works. 

Clint and Natasha sit on one of the couches as Sam comes in. He heads right over to Steve and visibly checks him for injuries. Once he’s done, he smiles and leans in. James knows he’s staring, but he watches as Sam quickly kisses Steve on the mouth before walking away to sit down. James is frozen with shock. 

It was one thing to see two strangers holding hands or talking in a diner, but Steve? Steve likes men? And it’s allowed? James is confused because he remembers Steve pining for a girl, a woman with red lips and brown hair, though he doesn’t remember her name. Does Steve like both? Is that even legal?

“James, breathe,” Steve says, capturing his attention. He’s not aware he’s not breathing until Steve says something. His chest is screaming at him so he takes a few deep breaths and stares at Steve, wide eyed and confused. 

He wants to ask, wants to demand that Steve explain, but he hasn’t even met the rest of the group. He files it away for later, hoping the voice will remind him to ask. He nods when Steve asks if he’s okay.

Sam says nothing, but his eyes watch James as though he’s a ticking time bomb. Natasha is watching him too and it makes him edgey. Everyone expects him to fail. Including himself. 

“No one expects that,” a new voice says. He looks up and sees Scarlet Witch. She’s shorter in person, or maybe he’s just tall. But her face is kind as she looks up with no fear. She should fear him. He’s a monster. 

“No, you’re not. I know exactly how it feels,” she says in her accent. “We both have chosen a new path, one that’s going to be hard, but you will survive.” He doesn’t realize it’s exactly what he needed to hear until she says it. His lips twitch up and she returns his small smile. He doesn’t even question how she knew what he was thinking. He’s so used to the voice in his head that he doesn’t think anything of it. Maybe she’s got her own voice and it tells her what his mind says. 

She gives him a curious look, but says nothing as the next person comes in. The room is slowly filling up. This man is different. He floats, not walks, and his skin is red. There’s a pale yellow stone in his forehead and silver lines across his face. He takes Scarlet Witch’s hand.

“Wanda. That is my name,” she corrects him. “This is Vision.”

He nods, getting it now. Vision isn’t a person at all. He looks more robotic than Tony does in his suit. 

“Your wires in your arm are faulty,” Vision says. Wanda turns and gives him a look. “Apologies. I, myself, am still learning social cues.”

“It is,” he says. He likes Wanda and doesn’t want her mad at someone because of him. “Hydra didn’t care about my pain as long as it worked right.”

“Tony can fix that,” Sam says, speaking up for the first time since the diner. 

“Tony can fix what?” Tony asks, coming into the room. It’s a bit unsettling to realize that Tony isn’t some metal man, but a rather soft human. He’s much shorter than James realized and his shirt is stretched across his chest. 

“His arm,” Clint says. Tony looks at James, who tries not to fidget. 

“Broken already? I left you alone for like fifteen minutes,” he tells Steve, walking over. James’ chin is level with Tony’s eyes. 

“He didn’t break it,” Steve explains, his voice exasperated like Tony does this all the time. “HYDRA made it wrong.”

“Can I look?” Tony asks. James’ eyes flit over everyone else. He doesn’t like the idea of taking his one weapon off when he’s so outnumbered, even if he did promise himself no more violence. “Nevermind. We’ll wait until the meet and greet is done.”

What? James doesn’t understand what a meet and greet is. He’s about to say so, when another man comes in. This one is a bit taller than Tony, though they have the same colored hair. But this man’s is much more tame than Tony’s wild hair. He’s wearing a soft shirt that’s tucked into brown pants and glasses that he pushes up his nose. 

“Hello. I’m Bruce,” he says, staying close to the door. 

“You’ll have to wait to meet his alter ego,” Tony says, snickering while Bruce sighs. 

“Excuse Tony. He stopped growing at thirteen,” Bruce tells James, making him more confused. How does someone just stop growing?

_ It’s sarcasm. He’s saying Tony is immature. _

The voice sounds like it agrees with Bruce, though James likes Tony. While everyone else is still a bit wary of him, Tony acts like he’s been here all along. As if reading his mind, Tony tries to throw an arm around James’ shoulders like Clint and Natasha, but he’s slightly too short. It ends up stretching his arm awkwardly, until James bends his knees a tiny amount. He’s now level with Tony, who just grins. 

“See? He makes accommodations for me,” Tony tells Steve, who looks unamused. 

“He hasn’t been around you long enough. Give it time,” Steve replies. 

The last man sweeps into the room with an air of excitement. His hair matches Clint’s but hangs to his shoulders, touching the blood red cape that trails behind him. 

“Pleasure to meet you, Sir James,” he says in a loud voice. He comes right over and shakes James’ hand, leaving him slightly dizzy from the energy this man excludes. “I am Thor Odinson.”

Compared to everyone’s quiet introductions, Thor is the opposite, but James likes him. He also shows no fear and even claps James on the other shoulder. Tony is jerked with him as his knees nearly buckle. He may have enhanced strength, but Thor is a different category altogether. 

“Easy there, He Man. We don’t wanna break him on his first day of kindergarten,” Tony says. Clint snorts and Natasha and Bruce smile. 

“I thought his name was Thor,” James says before he can stop himself. 

“Anthony likes his nicknames,” Thor tells him. “Pay it no heed, for you will most likely hear more.”

He’s feeling a little tired now as everything catches up to him. He longs for the quiet promise of Ben’s house, but then he wonders if he’ll be able to see him again. He doesn’t want Sam to warn Ben away from him, at least not before he sees Jack the dog. He remembers how pretty Jack looked, but he wants to see him again, for longer this time. 

“Can I see Ben again?” he blurts out, interrupting Tony’s retort to Thor. Sam’s lips thin as the others look a bit confused. “I promise I won’t hurt him. But he was nice to me.”

“Ben? Isn’t that Peter’s aunt’s boyfriend?” Tony asks. Sam nods, never taking his eyes off James. 

“You’ll be with one of us until  _ I  _ decide that it’s okay,” he says. “I’m not risking my friend’s life.”

Steve starts to argue, but James cuts over him. “Deal.” He turns to Steve. “You have to understand, Steve. I’m still dangerous. I can’t remember everything, though I wrote most of it down. I’ve had slips where I’m not me. I’m him.”

Nobody asks who James is talking about, so he assumes they understand him. Steve looks upset, but he finally nods. 

“I’ll step back,” he promises. 

“So that’s everyone except Peter, who you’ve met, and Bug Man. He’s visiting his daughter today,” Tony says. James gives up trying to figure out who he’s talking about. 

“He means Scott Lang. He stays here too, but he gets to see his daughter every other weekend,” Steve explains. 

“And Peter?” James asks. “Does he live here?”

“No. He actually didn’t become powered until a few months ago. He was bitten by a radioactive spider,” Tony says. “I found him while I was flying in the suit, he was swinging on synthetic webs. Took him in and built him a better suit. But he’s only fifteen, so he stays with May. The story is he’s interning here after school.”

James nods. He understands now what Peter was hiding at lunch. 

“I’d advise you to not give him ale,” Thor says seriously. “Anthony does not approve of such things.”

“Thor, again. Fifteen. And he’s human, not some god dude who can hold his liquor,” Tony says, exasperated. He turns his face to James. “Thor tried to give him alcohol two weeks ago at a party.”

Sam’s phone buzzes and he takes it out, sighing when he looks at it. “Ben’s asking if the meeting is going good.”

“Does this mean you won’t help me?” he asks Sam. He had been hoping that Sam could help in some ways like Ben had said. 

“Help?” Tony asks.

“He means counseling. I think.” Sam glances at him to confirm. James nods. “I can’t, since you’ll be staying here. At least not formally.

“I can try to help,” Wanda speaks up. “I’m able to read minds.” 

James nods again. “I want help. I don’t want to be like this all the time.” 

Tony waves his free hand then, the other still around James’ shoulders. “Introductions are over now, can I look at that arm?” he asks James. 

“Why couldn’t you?” James is confused. No one had ever asked before. They just stuck him in that chair and went to work. 

“Because consent is key,” Tony says, sounding like he’s reciting something. James shrugs. 

“Sure.”

“Yes or no,” Tony insists. James realizes he’s serious about the consent. 

“Yes.”

“Good. Follow me,” he says. Steve and Sam follow, holding hands. James tries to ignore them as Tony leads him back to the elevator. His stomach tightens at the thought of getting in again. Then Tony starts talking. He talks about everything and anything, from his robots to his newer projects. James is distracted enough that he gets in the elevator and they go down. When they get off, the door opens into a lab of sorts. But it’s not like a lab he’s seen before. 

It’s very messy, but not because of trash. There papers scattered everywhere and images hanging in midair. There are two tables piled high with metal and more transparent images. 

“Friday, holograms off,” Tony says to no one. But the images disappear as a female speaks. 

“There you go. Assign Sergeant James Barnes access code?”

James tenses as he looks around. But there’s no one. Tony places a hand on his flesh one, making Steve and Sam tense as well.

“Friday’s my AI. I built her because I used Jarvis to make Vision. She’s in the computer kinda.”

It doesn’t reassure him. He remembers a scientist who was made into a computer and it makes him uneasy. Not to mention that she knows who he is. But the mention of Barnes reminds him of the diner. 

“The diner. Was that on purpose?” He feels stupid even as he asked. It’s obvious that Sam had no idea he was coming. 

Steve and Sam share a look. “No, but the diner is run by someone important,” Sam says. 

“James, you should sit,” Steve suggests gently. James wonders what could be so bad. The voice agrees.

“You remember your family, right?” Steve asks. James nods. He still doesn’t remember much, but he knows he had three sisters, all younger than him. He doesn’t remember dates, but he knows the oldest was four years younger, the middle was six years younger, and the baby was ten years younger than him. 

_ I remember them. Rebecca, Allison, and Winifred Jr. _

The voice is sad again as it thinks of three different faces with shortened names. Becca, Ally, and Winnie. 

“Well, Ally died after we left for the war from pneumonia. Your mom’s letter had gotten lost on its way to you. Becca and Winnie both got married in the fifties. Becca’s got a son, Steven, that lives in California. Winnie’s daughter, Jamie, runs the diner. I met Jamie on one of my runs when I stepped in for a coffee. She knew me from the news, but also because her mom has a picture of us when we were young.”

“Jamie?” His throat is tight and he’s shaking slightly. Steve’s face is soft as he smiles. 

“Winnie named her after you,” he said. “I haven’t met Steven yet, Becca named him after me, but Jamie is a force to be reckoned with.”

_ And Winnie and Becca? _

He repeats the voice’s question. Steve’s smile widens.

“Becca and Winnie are still alive. They live at this retirement home uptown. They’re 95 and 89, both still smart as a whip.” Steve’s face falls then, looking sad. 

“What?” James asks.

“Do you remember Peggy?” Steve asks in answer. James remembers red lips and brown hair. He nods. “She was alive too. But she didn’t remember me really. Occasionally she’d have a good day, but not often. She died a couple months ago.”

James wrings his hands together. He’s sorry for Peggy, but he never really got to know her other from being Steve’s girl. But his sisters...he remembers flashes of a happy childhood, running through the neighborhood with three little girls. He wants to visit them. Wants it so bad, but he doesn’t want to hurt them.

He distracts himself from the troubling thought and turns to Tony. “How do you want me?” he asks. Tony instantly grins. 

“You’re new, so I’ll let that one slide. Over here, charmer,” he instructs, walking over to one of the tables. He shoves things aside and motions for James to sit. He sits on the table, facing Sam and Steve so Tony can see the arm. 

“Right then. Any idea on how to take it off?” Tony asks. James nods and presses the right combination. The wires hiss as they detach and he lays the arm next to him. “Okay, I’m going to talk as I go so no surprises.”

James nods again, a bit tense. 

_ He’s got interesting hands too. _

He looks at Tony’s hands as the voice speaks up. He doesn’t understand his fascination with individual body parts, but he appreciates all the different kinds. Whereas Steve and Sam have smooth hands, if a bit calloused, Tony’s are scarred. There are numerous tiny scars and burn marks across his broad hands, but his nails are smooth and cut in a clean line. There’s a thin bracelet on his right wrist and light hair scattered up to his forearms. 

“Right. The mechanics are pretty outdated, no surprise there. I can see what’s wrong right away. The sensors are damaged, probably from decades of being frozen all the time. The weight is all off too. It’s not calibrated to your body properly.”

James doesn’t listen after that. Most of the talk goes over his head, but Steve and Sam are listening and nodding. Instead, he just listens to Tony’s voice and thinks of his sisters, alive and aware. 

_ “I wanna go!” Becca was about five, standing there as Steve and Bucky got ready to head to the docks to see a dead frog they were told about.  _

_ “No way. You’re a girl,” Bucky says.  _

_ “Aw, come on. Maybe she’ll be grossed out and not wanna come anymore,” Steve says.  _

_ “Take me with!” Becca pleads. “Ally’s too little to play. I don’t wanna stay here with Mama.” _

_ “Fine. But if you squeal, you hafta clean my shoes later,” Bucky says.  _

_ “Deal,” Becca says with a grin, running to get her shoes.  _

The voice thinks of him as Bucky in those memories. He wonders if he’ll ever want that name back again. 

“Jame-Jame? With me?” Tony asks. He sounds like he’s been trying to get James’ attention for a while. James startles and nods quickly, not mentioning the nickname. “I said I can just make you a whole new arm. I think I can rope T’Challa and Shuri in on it. They’ll be excited for a new project.” 

James nods again. T’Challa is a weird name, but not as weird as Vision. He supposes that’s the future. Weird names and flashy phones. Speaking of…

“I want a phone,” he says. Tony gives him a weird look, making him wonder if it’s a strange request. 

“You just bounce all over, don’t you?” he asks, smiling. “You realize you ask weird questions that have nothing to do with the current subject, right?”

He doesn’t. He flushes and looks down. He hadn’t realized he’d been doing that. 

“No, wait! Sorry, I said anything. It’s just cute, is all. You’re kinda like Vision, learning how to be human again.”

_ He called us cute. _

The voice is shy sounding. He looks up and hesitantly returns Tony’s smile. 

“I’ll get you an older model to get used to,” Tony says, walking away towards a door. “Once you get the hang of it, let me know and I’ll get you what everyone else has.” He opens the door and James sees it’s a type of closet. Tony rummages through it as Sam and Steve start talking about the new arm. 

“You think they will have time? They’ve got their duties and all,” Sam says. Steve snorts. 

“I may be terrible at reading people, but even I know that they’ll will make time for science,” he says. 

Sam chuckles and holds his hands up. “Point taken. I just can’t believe Tony made friends with a prince.”

“Technically, Peter made friends with a princess. T’Challa and I got to talking because the two little nerds wanted to do science together,” Tony says, still searching for something. He must find it because he grabs something and turns towards them. He’s holding up a phone. James doesn’t see how it’s an older model because it’s still flashy, but he still offers a smile of gratitude.

“I’m installing Friday in it. All you have to do is say her name and she answers. She can do pretty much anything you want,” Tony says, removing the back and walking to a different table to pick up a tiny square chip. He places it in the phone and puts the back on. Tony hands the phone to James and he hesitantly takes it. He taps the screen with his thumb and it lights up, telling him to swipe to open. He does so and is taken to the home screen. 

“I’ll show you how to do some things once I get done with this,” Tony says, gesturing towards the arm. James nods and taps a green button. He’s taken to a keypad. He doesn’t want to type in numbers, so he just sets it down for now. 

He’d been doing good over the last two years. His episodes had gotten few and far between, the last one was six months ago and he hadn’t even killed anyone then. But after the day he’s had, with it not even being three o’clock, he doesn’t want to overstimulate himself. He wants to hide away on his floor, exploring his new rooms, and discovering what his new phone can do. 

As if reading his mind, Tony looks up from the arm. “You must be tired. Want a nap or something?” His face must be showing how tired he was. He nods and Steve speaks up. 

“I’ll show him his rooms,” he says. Tony nods and says goodbye with a promise to alert James as soon as he was done with the arm. James slides off the table and touches Tony’s shoulder. 

“Thank you,” he says once he has Tony’s attention. Tony looks like he’s about to respond with more sarcasm, but stops and just smiles warmly. 

“No problem,” he says instead. James returns the smile and heads after Sam and Steve. They chat with each other on the way up to James’ floor, occasionally bringing him into the conversation, but overall they were content with his silence.

It gave him time to think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has a nightmare and Thor shocks him to his core

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a few days late, but I went on an unexpected road trip and forgot my laptop, so here it is :) Also, I've only got nine chapters written out so after I catch up, it might be a bit longer to publish a new chapter, but I promise it won't be too long

James can’t help himself once the dreaded elevator doors open. He inhales sharply and just stares. The doors open up to a living room, smaller than the one up top. But it’s fully equipped with all kinds of technology he barely understands. There’s a small kitchen off to one side, looking empty, and a bathroom on the opposite wall. After glancing at Steve to ensure he was allowed to, James heads off towards the bathroom to look closer. 

It’s very large, nearly the same size as the kitchen, with a bathtub in one corner and a separate shower in the other. The sink is a vanity with a tall mirror and two columns of drawers. The toilet is modern and silver and there are a couple of rugs under his feet. The room next to it is the bedroom. A large bed, bigger than James had ever seen, takes up most of the space. There’s a walk in closet and a bookshelf, both empty, waiting to be filled. 

James shrugs off his bag, which had stayed on his shoulder the whole time he’d been in the tower, and sets it carefully on a shelf in the closet. He walks to the bed and turns, admiring the scene. He finally has a real place to call his own. Not a shelter, not a bench in the park or under a bridge. A real home. 

“I’m going to give you a moment,” he hears Sam say, walking out of the bedroom. James sits on the bed, testing its softness. After a moment, Steve joins him. 

“I’ve never had a room to myself,” James says. Steve nods. 

“I know. You always had to share a room with your sisters or with me,” Steve says. 

James looks down at his single hand, pale and more scarred than Tony’s. “This is going to be hard,” he says quietly. 

_ It will be painful to undo what Hydra had done. _

He silently agrees with the voice and continues. “I know there will be set backs and missteps. But Hydra’s gone now and I want to find out who I am.”

“You’re James Barnes,” Steve says confidently. “You say who he is, we’re just going to help you find the right path.”

The right path. Was there such a path for him? 

_ Forge your own path if none are ready. _

He rubs his palm on his jeans and looks at Steve, studying the face that he used to know more than his own. Steve’s eyes are unchanged by time, a baby blue framed by dark lashes. He knows his own eyes are more of a steel blue, harder and blanker than Steve’s. Steve is all pale colors, yellow hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. It’s a striking contrast between him and Sam’s darker beauty. 

“Sam kissed you,” he blurts, apparently still unable to control his mouth. Steve flushes a bright red. 

“Uh, yeah. We’ve been dating for about two years now.” Steve isn’t meeting his eyes.

“And it’s allowed?” he asks. He doesn’t really want to make Steve uncomfortable, but he wants to know. 

Steve nods. “I was just as shocked. It’s okay now. Girls can kiss girls and boys can kiss boys. Some people kiss both.”

“Like you,” he says, thinking of Peggy again. He doesn’t know if Steve got to kiss her, but he knows Steve wanted to. 

“Yeah. The term is bisexual. The team accepted it instantly, but the media is having a hard time with it still.” Steve looks sad, like he’s expecting James to deny it too. But he doesn’t. He smiles and puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder, thumb rubbing small circles like he remembers doing so many times before. 

“You’re still the same punk I know,” James says. Steve’s smile is instant and bright. He throws his arms around James and hugs him tightly, startling him. But he doesn’t freak out, instead he just hugs Steve back. 

“Thanks, James,” Steve says. He still stumbles over the name, but James expects it. He knows Steve’s been calling him Bucky ever since they met and he feels bad that he doesn’t feel like a Bucky. 

Steve leaves then, telling him he’ll be back to check in. When he leaves, James flops back onto the bed. His phone screen tells him it’s 2:47 pm. He feels like it should be later. He doesn’t realize he’s dozing until he hears the elevators ding. He jerks upright, but it’s just Tony, carrying his metal arm. 

“Hey there, Champ. So, I’ve got everything I need, sent copies to T’Challa, who’s super excited by the way. He’ll deny it, but I’m pretty sure his voice cracked with his excitement,” Tony says, handing the arm to him. He puts it back on and hears the familiar metallic grinding that means it’s working again. “Also, want me to alert you when dinner’s ready? If you’re up for it. Otherwise I can have some of the pizza sent here.”

James rubs his eyes and checks his phone again. 4:14 pm. He feels better, less tired, so he’s not upset by the lost time. 

“Uh, I’ll eat with everyone,” he says, standing. 

“You sure? We can get sorta...uh...rowdy is the best way to put it,” Tony says. 

James nods. “I want to get to know everyone. You’ve all been so nice to me,” he says, his throat feeling like it’s closing. 

Tony rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, right.” He looks uncomfortable now and James feels bad. He hadn’t meant to make Tony feel weird. But before he can take it back, Tony claps him on the shoulder. “Like I said, Friday is everywhere if you need her. I’m gonna head back to the lab for a bit,” he says. When he draws his hand away, his fingers trail along the seam of James’ shirt. He doesn’t think Tony realizes, but James does. Tony turns away with an exaggerated salute and leaves. Once again, James is alone. 

_ Use the phone for information.  _

James nods at no one and picks his phone up. He has to hold it in his left hand because the metal fingers won’t register on the screen. But he doesn’t know what to do afterwards. 

“Uh, Miss Friday?” he tries, feeling stupid. He jumps when the same female voice from the lab answers him, more quiet and coming from his phone. 

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes?” she asks. He sees a tiny box in one corner of the screen that must be Friday. 

“Um, just James, please,” he says. He doesn’t feel like he deserves the title of Sergeant anymore. 

“Then just Friday for me,” she answers. “What was it you needed?”

He rubs his palm on his jeans again, trying to decide how to word it. “I want to get caught up in the future, but I’m not sure how to do it.”

“I advise you to ask Steve for his list. That’s how he himself got caught up. For now, is there a certain topic you wish to view?” she asks. 

“I want to know more about…” Did he dare? “The Winter Soldier.” 

There’s a pause. “Are you sure you want to? I recommend you give it time before subjecting yourself to that,” Friday finally says. His shoulders slump. 

“Of course.” He thinks again and chooses a safer subject. “Show me the Barnes family.”

“Right away.”

Friday has to talk him through navigation, but he quickly learns. He taps on an article that is dated two years after he had been drafted. It’s Ally’s obituary dated for 1948. 

**Allison Lorraine Barnes died this morning at 5:39 am of pneumonia. She was only 24. She is survived by her parents, Winifred Sr and George, her older sister, Rebecca, and her younger sister, Winifred Jr. The funeral will be held this Saturday at noon.**

His throat tightens again as he read the short article. It’s too impersonal, it doesn’t know her at all. He’s not sure he knows her either, not with his memories all scrambled. 

_ “So, I heard you’ve been drafted,” Ally says as they sit on a park bench. Bucky feels the usual panic rise up in his chest, but forces it down. _

_ “Yep. Haven’t even told Steve yet,” Bucky says, taking his pack of smokes out. It had cost him a bit more, with the war going on, but he needed one right now.  _

_ “When are you going to? He’s going to be crushed,” Ally says, her face sad and understanding. Bucky wants to scream. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask to fight someone else’s war! Steve wanted that, wanted it so badly he chanced lying on the forms, but Bucky hates violence. He hates this stupid war and wants nothing more than to crawl away and hide until it’s over.  _

_ “I don’t know. Probably tonight. I ship out tomorrow, so I planned us a double date.” _

_ Ally wrinkles her nose. “You know he hates those. You pick terrible women.” _

_ “You come then. I don’t even know who Clara’s gonna bring.” _

_ Ally sighs. “I’d love to, but the factory is picking up double shifts. Once I go in, I’m working until morning. Besides, I’m not that into all that sciency stuff like you.” _

_ “Aw, Al, you don’t wanna see the famous Howard Stark?” _

_ She sniffed, shaking her head. “He’s so pig headed.” She glances around, then hugs her brother. “I gotta go. Since I won’t see you again until the war is over, good luck. Win,” she says, kissing him on the cheek.  _

_ “I’ll win just for you,” he teases. She just chuckles and walks away, the sound of heels clicking against the hard ground. _

He knows he’s crying, can feel the hot tears on his cheeks, but he smiles and gets his bag, taking out one of the good journals. He records that memory and the one from earlier with little Winnie. Somehow, he’s tired again. 

_ You’re not used to all these emotions. You had a big lunch, just go to sleep for now. _

He listens to the voice and wipes his cheeks. “Friday, can you tell Tony I’m just gonna sleep?” he asks. 

“Of course,” she responds. He thanks her and doesn’t even bother to get undressed. He flops onto the bed after carefully putting the journal away and slips into sleep.

* * *

 

_ He’s alone. The room is dark, he can’t see.  _

_ “Bucky.” The whisper sounds like Winifred, his mother. _

_ “You abandoned us,” his father whispers.  _

_ “No,” he protests. “I was drafted! I had no choice!” _

_ The light flicks on and suddenly he sees his family spread out on the ground, dead. Except their mouths still move.  _

_ “You betrayed us!” Winnie screams, her lifeless eyes fixed on him.  _

_ “You let Hydra control you!” Ally says next. He’s openly weeping.  _

_ “No! I promise! I didn’t mean to!” But it’s no use. His family is dead. The door opens, but no one comes in. Sobbing, he runs through it. _

_ He’s on the bridge again. But this time he’s fighting all of the Avengers. His arm comes up on its own, holding a gun trained on Sam.  _

_ “No! I don’t want to!” he screams.  _

_ “No survivors!” The scientist, the one who sawed his arm off, is standing next to him. He pulls the trigger. _

_ “No!” He wants to vomit as Sam is thrown back, dead. He hears Steve, sobbing. _

_ “You killed him! You killed my boyfriend!” Steve screams, running over and throwing himself onto Sam’s body.  _

_ “I didn’t mean to! I didn’t do it!” he pleads.  _

_ “You’re a monster.” This time it’s someone familiar, someone he hasn’t thought of in decades. Howard Stark is standing in front of him, a bullet wound in his head, dripping blood.  _

_ “No, I’m not! Please,” he begs.  _

_ “You’re a weapon. That’s all you’re ever going to be,” Maria Stark says, appearing next to Howard.  _

_ “No survivors!” his handler screams again.  _

_ “Don’t shoot!” he hears Tony scream. But his arm raises again anyways.  _

_ “No! Tony, forgive me!” he cries out, flinching when he shoots Howard, the bullet going through the head wound perfectly.  _

_ “You think you deserve happiness?” Maria asks right before he shoots her too.  _

_ “No, I don’t,” he says, falling to his knees. There is blood on his hands, stained and permanent. “I’m a weapon!” _

“James!” Rough hands grab his shoulders. He flails wildly.

“No! Don’t hurt me!” he screams, his eyes clenched shut. 

“James, it’s me! Calm down!” 

Steve? He cracks his eyes open. It is him. Steve’s dressed in loose sweatpants and a white shirt, hair falling everywhere. He stops struggling and sinks back into the bed, panting hard. James is covered in sweat and he feels uncomfortable, like his skin is too tight. 

Steve eases back once he’s sure James isn’t going to hurt himself. He gags and a bowl is thrust under his head as he turns towards the floor. James throws up, feeling more gentle hands hold his hair back. His stomach rolls some more as he slowly sits up and looks around him. It’s just Steve, Sam, and Tony near him, though he sees Thor in the doorway with a huge hammer. They are all dressed for sleep except Tony, who was the one holding the bowl and his hair. 

James flinches away from Tony, unable to stop seeing Howard’s angry stare, the blood dripping from the head wound. Tony looks a bit hurt, but says nothing as he goes to empty the bowl. He curls up against the headboard, arms wrapped tightly around his knees. 

“James?” Steve sounds concerned. 

“I’m fine. Just a bad dream,” James says. 

“That sounded more than bad,” Sam says. Once again, James flinches away, curling in on himself. 

“I’ll be fine,” he insists. He just wants them to go away. He doesn’t want Sam and Tony near him after the dream. 

“Maybe I can help,” Wanda says, stepping from behind Thor. “You need your sleep, we can continue this in the morning.”

“Yeah, let Dream Witch help,” Tony says, coming out of the bathroom. “You look like shit.”

“Tony,” Steve says sternly, but James smiles despite himself. Then he frowns. 

“No. If I sleep, I’ll hurt someone,” he says. 

“I can give you good dreams,” Wanda explains. “And take the bad ones away.”

“But what if it doesn’t work,” he stresses. How can he explain how much of a loaded gun he was? Thor sweeps into the room. 

“Perhaps I can help with that. I’ll stand guard to ensure you do not harm yourself or others,” he says. James eyes him warily. Thor was just as built as him or Steve, but could he really protect himself if James went off the deep end? “You doubt me? Here.” Thor sits on the bed and literally pulls James onto his lap, locking his arms around him. “Get out of my grasp,” he challenges. 

James tests his grip and finds he can barely move. He struggles harder, not even his metal arm can budge Thor’s. Finally he gives up and slumps against his firm chest. 

“Better?” Steve asks. James nods. “Okay. Wanda will send you to sleep and Thor will be on guard. Try and get some sleep.” James nods again. 

Steve, Sam, and Tony leave, Tony giving him guarded looks. Thor rearranges them on the bed with James tucked under his chin. He’s not used to feeling small and finds that he likes it. He jerks when Wanda touches his temple, but she just soothes him by running her fingers through his hair. Even before she helps him, he finds himself dozing off, too exhausted to keep his eyes open. 

“Sweet dreams, James,” she whispers.

His last thought is echoed by the voice. 

_ We could get used to this. _

* * *

 

He wakes slowly, warm and comfortable for probably the first time in his long life. He stretches and his hand brushes against soft hair. Thor is sound asleep, turned towards him with one arm thrown over James’ stomach. His hair looks even more golden in the pale sunlight that streams through the window. 

James takes a moment to study him. He’s never met someone who could restrain his strength, but Thor did so last night without breaking a sweat. Even Steve had struggled, too evenly matched to gain the upper hand, but Thor had simply locked his arms together and James hadn’t been able to escape. It made him feel safe. Thor could save everyone if he ever slipped. 

_ Don’t think like that. You’ve been doing good. _

The voice is gentle with him. It’s right. He hasn’t slipped in six months, he’s proud of himself. He wants to snuggle into Thor, but he feels like that might overstep a line. Thor was simply watching over him, he didn’t want James all over him while he slept. He made to move away, to give Thor his space, when Thor’s arm tightened, keeping him in place. 

“Rest some more, James. Tis early yet,” Thor mumbled, curling up around James’ body. 

James hesitantly relaxed, wondering how a man as large as Thor could sleep so curled up. He notices that a lot of the Avengers are not as they seem. 

There’s Clint, for one. James doesn’t know how Clint could be a great hero when he can’t hear, but if he’s with the Avengers then he must be good. 

Natasha has a bad past, James knows she was there in the studio, but she’s good now. He wants to know how she did it. 

Steve and Sam had been a jolt of surprise, but he sees the easy way they move with each other. If Steve gets too close to James, Sam takes a small step forward, like he’s ready to take on James himself if it means Steve is safe. James respects Sam for that. 

And then there’s Tony. James doesn’t remember much about Howard, but he knows it wasn’t good. But Tony wasn’t like that. All he did was help James and, in return, James had flinched away like Tony was a disease. That’s not even touching on the fact of what happened to Howard…

“James? I can hear your heart drumming,” Thor says, uncurling slightly to look at him. “Something on your mind?”

He shakes his head. He can’t tell anyone, they would kick him out faster than the words could get out of his mouth. 

“Alright. Just remember, you can come to me with any woes. I shall listen,” Thor says, untangling himself from the sheets and James to sit up. James instantly misses the warmth, but says nothing. 

“No one should have to listen to me,” James says instead, looking at the unnatural gleam of his metal hand. Thor’s broad hands clap onto James’ shoulders, startling him into looking up. 

“Your thoughts and words carry the same weight as everyone else’s. I’ve been to the nine realms and I’ve yet to meet anyone who wasn’t worth listening to,” Thor says strongly. “You are worth listening to.” He shocked James then by leaning in and pressing his lips to James’ own. James froze even as Thor backed off and offered a smile, getting up off the bed. 

“I shall retire to my own floor to shower, but mayhaps we could spar later? Your arm and amplified muscles shall make a wonderful partner,” Thor continues as though he didn’t just explode James’ word. He mutely nods and Thor leaves with another smile. 

_ Holy heck, what just happened? _

The voice sounds as panicked as he feels, sitting there with his flesh fingers gently touching his lips. His own thoughts quickly reject the idea that Thor kissed him because he thought of James in the romantic sense. He probably just kissed James because…

There wasn’t a clear answer. And the more he thought of it, the more he found he liked the feeling of slightly chapped lips against his, an underlying strength behind them. 

_ Maybe he really does like us?  _

He doesn’t see why? He’s damaged. Broken. Not suited for use. 

_ Stop that. We can recover from everything. Like he said, you’re worth listening to.  _

Tony listened to him. Tony had called him cute. But whenever he thinks of Tony, his stomach twists and his throat burns. His secret hangs over his head every time he thinks of Tony’s unguarded smile and carefully trimmed facial hair. 

_ You’re freaking yourself out. Breathe, relax, and let’s go eat. _

He listens to the voice and writes off Thor’s kiss as a misjudgment. He quickly changes into a grey long sleeve and dark jeans, noting that someone had removed his boots yesterday. He’d been so emotionally wrecked that he hadn’t even noticed. He slips them back on and ties the laces. He hesitates over his bag, but then decides his journals would be safe for a bit. But just in case…

“Friday? Can you tell me if anyone goes near my bag? Nothing dangerous is in it, but it’s got my memories,” James says. 

“Of course, James. And Tony asked me to relay that breakfast is being served if you wish to join,” the bodiless voice responds. 

“Yeah.” He nods as he speaks, then wonders if she can tell. He pushes it out of his head and gears himself to face everyone again. He wonders if Thor will try to kiss him again or if he will pretend nothing had happened. James wonders if he  _ wants _ Thor to kiss him again. 

_ It was a nice kiss, your first one since 1944. _

Now he’s wondering how the voice knows this. He quickly does the math and realizes it’s been 72 years then. Agewise, he’s still only in his twenties, but he’s been walking the earth for nearly a century. He knows his birthday is next month, he will be 99 years old. Or 28. Depends on how you look at it. 

He brushes his hair off his face and leaves the bedroom. He pauses in front of the elevator though. With no one with him, he doesn’t know if he can handle being on it. He’s pacing in front of it, nervously trying to get himself to get on, when the doors open and Tony steps out. 

“James?” he asks, stopping and lifting a eyebrow. James stops pacing. 

“Good morning, Tony,” he says, slumping his shoulders forward. He knows it’s a defensive pose, but he can’t help but do it whenever he feels like someone is going to yell at him. He doesn’t think Tony is going to yell at him, but he feels as though Tony should. 

“I just came down to see if you were feeling better. You were pretty out of it last night,” Tony explains, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He changed from yesterday, but his jeans are still ripped and his shirt still has some sort of name on it. This one has a rainbow coming out of a triangle. 

He nods. He thinks of Thor’s kiss, but says nothing because he doesn’t want Tony to think something is wrong with Thor for wanting to kiss James. Because there has to be something wrong with him. No one just kisses James. Not anymore. 

“Good.” Tony’s smile is bright, causing James’ heart to skip a beat. “Ready then?” He holds out a hand and James just stares for a second. He realizes Tony’s asking for James to grab it, like those men on the street or Sam and Steve. He wonders if Tony likes him too or if holding hands was something friends did as well. Did Tony count himself as a friend? Did he think James was worth the effort?

“Hey, I see you overthinking. Stop it,” Tony gently says. “If you don’t want to touch me, I understand.”

_ You did flinch away from him last night,  _ the voice says. 

James sees the smile start to slip from Tony’s face and reaches out, taking his warm hand. He doesn’t want to see Tony sad. The smile is back in full force, making James feel a bit dizzy. 

“Come on, Peter’s here today. He comes every Sunday. He won’t be here though until noon. Oh, and T’Challa said they might be stopping by today. Shuri wants to see the arm and she already has some ideas for me. You’ll like them. Shuri’s only sixteen, but she’s one of the smartest people I know. Peter’s another one, but his attention span is a lot shorter than hers, and his powers make it kinda hard to focus.”

Tony’s rambling as they get on the elevators, but James listens anyways. He knows being a prince is a big deal and wonders what T’Challa is like. Tony hasn’t let go of his hand and James wonders why his heart feels warm. He hopes he’s not getting sick. 

That would be his luck. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James cant get a break from panic attacks, but wanda might have a plan

Natasha and Clint are cooking when Tony and Bucky arrive in the kitchen. Natasha is still wearing black, but Clint has on more purple today. Steve and Sam, both dressed in shorts and white shirts, are slightly sweaty and have water bottles in their hands, sitting on one side of the long island. Bruce is at the end on the other side, looking over some papers and muttering to himself. Wanda and Vision are sitting next to Steve and Sam, looking at each other. There’s a man James hadn’t seen before. He’s sitting across from Steve and looks like he’s still half asleep. The man has short brown hair and a beard nearly as scruffy as James’. He opens one eye and looks to James, nodding before closing his eye again.

“That’s Scott,” Clint says for an introduction. “Normally we won’t see him until tonight or tomorrow morning, but he fucked up.” His tone is too happy for his words. 

“Clint,” Steve says, sounding exasperated. 

“No, I did. I knew I shouldn’t of gotten Cassie the toy. But it was so cute,” Scott mumbles. 

“Cute? You press its paw and it grows fangs,” Tony says. “It foams like rabies.”

“Yes, but it was a dog. Everyone loves dogs,” Scott says. 

“Yeah, everyone but your ex-wife,” Clint points out. 

“To be fair, it was a little much for a six year old,” Bruce says, not looking up from papers. Scott just sighs and lets his head drop down. 

“Speaking of dogs,” Sam says lightly. “Where’s Lucky?” 

Clint waves a hand as James finally decides to sit next to Tony, who’s seated by Bruce. “Kate’s got him. Something about an ex who’s allergic or something. I don’t know.” 

Steve frowns as Sam and Tony laugh. “Clint-”

“Nope. Not listening,” Clint says, pointing a spatula towards Steve. “Kate doesn’t listen to me, she doesn’t care, I’m not about to command her around.”

“Whipped,” Tony says, mimicking the sound. Clint just glares at him. 

“No, smart. Look Nat or Kate in the eyes and tell them to do something,” he says. Natasha turns around, face blank, and stares at Tony. He pouts and pointedly turns away, facing his body towards James. “Exactly. I know how to keep my girls happy. You do you.”

Girls? James’ brows furrow in thought as he wonders what Clint meant by that. He thinks Natasha and Clint are dating, like Sam and Steve are, but who’s Kate?

“Is she still staring?” Tony asks James, who slightly jumps. He glances over and sees Natasha turned back towards the stove. He shakes his head. 

Tony’s about to say something when Thor suddenly sweeps in and claims the open seat on James’ other side. He tries not to freeze, but it’s hard as his heart suddenly speeds up. But Thor doesn’t act strange or different as he sits and and greets everyone with a wave of his hand. 

“Morning! What has Scott done now?” Thor questions. Clint bursts out into laughter. 

“Angered his ex-wife,” Natasha says, starting to pile plates with food. Thor nods. 

“Tis the second weekend in a row,” he points out, causing more laughter.

“What can I say? It’s habit by now,” Scott says, lifting his head. 

“Besides, you can’t say much. Didn’t you constantly piss Jane off towards the end?” Tony asks. Thor just shrugs, not rising to the bait. 

“It was merely a gathering of small things. She didn’t like how little I spent on Earth, nor did she like my family. In the end, we decided we remained better off as just friends,” Thor said. 

“No one likes your brother,” Clint mutters angrily.

James remains silent as he soaks in new information. Did Thor have a girlfriend before? Did he like both too? Like Steve? He still didn’t have a clear picture on why Thor kissed him in the first place. It was too confusing and it made his head hurt to think about. 

_ Just ask him about it later, _ the voice says.  _ I’m sure there’s a reason. No one just goes around kissing people.  _

“Loki can be a little...much…” Thor was saying as James dropped his thoughts for now. Clint snorts as Bruce finally looks up and frowns. James wonders who Loki is and what he did to make everyone mad at him. He wonders if everyone will frown when his name is mentioned when they find out what he did in the past. 

_ It wasn’t you. You were just the gun. HYDRA was the one who pulled the trigger.  _

The voice is trying to cheering him up, but he can’t stop the self-hating thoughts that swirl around his mind. Then he actually settles on realizing what Thor had said. 

“Earth?” he asks, confused. How did Thor spend such little time on Earth?

Thor nods, grateful that they were off of this Loki person. “Aye. I hail from Asgard, my home planet.”

“Is that why you said nine realms when…” He doesn’t finish and flushes a light pink. But Thor just nods again. 

“There are nine different planets clumped together. Asgard is in the middle of it. I spend most of my time there, for I am to take my father’s place as king when he steps down. The rest of my time is here on Midgard, or Earth as you know it,” Thor says. 

_ Thor’s a prince? How many royalties do these people know?  _

He can’t answer the voice because he’s suddenly light headed. Thor was a prince. A real prince! He had no business going around and kissing people, especially people like James. What if, by accepting the kiss, he had just caused some intergalactic strife? He was barely getting used to this new Earth! He didn’t want to think about other planets and possibly starting wars with them because handsome princes like to go around and kiss people! 

His chest is screaming again and he claws at it, trying to relieve the pain. He stumbles off the stool, unaware of everyone snapping into battle mode. He doesn’t see them as he falls to the floor, his back hitting the ground hard and letting the little breath he had left escape. He’s trying to breathe, but everything hurts! He’s drowning again. Drowning on guilt as he thinks of Tony. James doesn’t know what he likes, but he knows he likes Tony and some tiny part of him feels guilty for letting Thor kiss him. 

“Get back, you’re not protected!”

Natasha’s voice doesn’t register as James starts shredding his shirt. He doesn’t mean to, but it’s constricting his air. He can feel the shirt tightening, so he rakes his metal fingers across it and feels cool air hit his overheated skin. 

Soft hands are touching him. He jerks back, but they follow. The soft hands gently grab his own and pull them away from his skin. He wants to fight, wants to continue to release his chest from the too-tight shirt, but distantly he knows he needs to be gentle with the hands. He could break those hands if he’s not careful. He calms slightly, then relaxes fully as his chest suddenly expands and his mind settles. 

“Back with us, James?” Tony asks. It’s his hands that are holding James’ own. Wanda is crouching behind him, her hands a glowing red that starts to fade right before his eyes. James turns his gaze onto Tony again, confused and pained. 

He knows what happened. It was the same thing that happened at Ben’s house. At the diner. Everywhere he goes. He thinks they're called panic attacks. He heard a man tell him that a few months ago. James had been startled by a balloon popping and had woken up on the ground, with a man who said he was a doctor. He explained that James had a panic attack and that he recommended James getting help or medication. 

He doesn’t know how to stop it. Doesn’t know how to keep himself from having a panic attack. All he knows is he keeps retreating inside his mind and he loses a lot of time. 

He slowly sits up, noticing that his shirt is in pieces. Behind Wanda, Vision, Steve, and Sam are standing a few inches away. Behind James, Thor is there, kneeling like Tony. 

“I’m sorry,” he tells everyone, hanging his head in shame.  

Tony shrugs. “Don’t be. We all get them every now and then,” he says with a hard smile. “Nearly gets me everytime I have to take a shower or it rains.”

“Same for me,” Steve adds. 

“I freak out at restaurants with open roofs,” Scott offers.

“I panic every time I think of Loki,” Clint says with an apologetic look to Thor. 

“Aye. I’m sure Loki is the cause of most panics here,” Thor says. 

“Why are we talking about Thor’s lame brother?” a new woman asks, walking into the kitchen. She’s wearing a plain green shirt and black skinnies and there’s a dog trailing after her, shaggy golden hair and a bit rough looking. 

As someone answers the new woman, Tony and Thor help James up. He looks down at his shirt and sighs. He has to change now. He looks back up to tell everyone that he’ll be back when he sees Clint kiss the new woman. 

_ People in the future must love their kissing,  _ the voice comments. 

But Clint has one arm around Natasha now? And Natasha is kissing the new woman? James doesn’t want to be rude and ask, but he’s so confused. Why is everyone acting like that’s normal? Unless it is? It’s not like they’re making out, the kisses are brief and chaste, but there’s a connection that shines bright. The new woman slides her arm around Natasha’s waist too and steals Clint’s coffee mug from the counter where he had put it when James broke down. She fits right in and it’s as if she’s been there forever. 

“You’re not having a good couple days, are you?” Tony’s voice is gentle as everyone pretends like James hasn’t just had a panic attack. He’s grateful, he’s not comfortable with people hovering or acting like he’s going to attack. His throat is dry so he doesn’t try talking. Instead, he just shakes his head. 

“We’re throwing too much at him,” Steve says, glancing at Clint and the two women. “The future is too different from what we were used to.”

_ That’s not fair to you. It’s not like you asked to be experimented on in the 40s. You’ve only been free for two years and most of that was spend alone and away from people.  _

He agrees with the voice. He’s trying his hardest to accept everything, but he has so many questions. It’s not the future that confuses him so much as certain aspects of it. He watched as the world had grown and changed over the decades, but it had been denied to him. He wants to know how everything works now that he’s free to learn. 

“I’m fine,” James says. His voice is scowly, though he tries not to frown. He doesn’t like how Steve is trying to baby him. 

“Yeah, Father Time. It’s not the future that’s making him freak,” Tony defends. 

“He has been mind fucked over the last seventy years or so,” Clint says dryly. 

“I’ve seen his mind,” Wanda adds with a sad look. “It is not the future, but his own mind.” 

Steve’s hands clench as his jaw tightens. James feels a habitual exasperation rise, as if seeing Steve so defensive has triggered his own response of trying to get him to relax. 

“Can’t you do what you did last night and remove the bad stuff?” Steve demands. Vision starts to speak up, but is quieted when Wanda puts a hand on his arm. 

“Steve, you know as well as I do that my powers are not unlimited. I could, in theory, yes. But rewriting that much pain will cost James. It will make him relive every second as I ease them. Would you truly wish that upon him?” she asks quietly. 

“No.”

“How?”

Steve instantly glares at James as they speak at the same time. But James ignores him, focusing on Wanda. He repeats his question.

“How can you remove it?”

She sighs. “It’s not guaranteed. What I would have to do is split it into sessions, since there are so many years to work through. You would essentially be reliving everything, but by the end of it all, you shouldn’t remember any of it. An hour of real time will feel like a year to you inside your mind.”

“But at the end? I’m better?” James ignores everyone’s protests. Natasha is silent and the new woman seems skeptical. Wanda hesitates and James presses. “Will I get  _ better _ ?” 

She finally shrugs. “Like I said, in theory, yes. But I have not attempted such a large task before. What I show enemies is put inside their heads for a couple of minutes. I have never eased years of pain before.”

“I want to try.”

“Absolutely not,” Steve says.

“James, you don’t know what you’re signing up for,” Tony tries. 

Thor puts a hand on James’ shoulder, getting his attention. “If it is what James wants, why should we deny him that? Ordering him about would make us no better than the ones who hurt him in the first place,” he told the others. 

“It’s too risky,” Steve stresses. 

“Well-” Sam starts.

“No! I’m not losing my best friend again!” Steve cuts Sam off and turns to glare at him. James’ own fists clench and he sees Natasha stiffening. 

“I am my own person,” James says, low and steady. Steve turns to him, still angry. “If there is a way that I can live without HYDRA’s influence, I’m taking it. Don’t you see?” James flings his flesh hand out towards the group. “Everyone here has a past and they worked past it somehow. Like Thor said, who are you to deny me that? I am broken. I hear a voice in my head all the fucking time. I’m cold all the time. I have panic attacks. I am tired! If Wanda agrees, I will be taking that offer because this is something that I can do for myself. HYDRA can’t take that away from me.” He looks down and remembers his shirt is destroyed. “I’m going to change. I’d like to be alone, if that’s allowed.” 

He glares at Steve and turns, leaving the kitchen. Before he can get on the elevator, he hears the new woman laughing.

“You all just got told!”

“Thanks, Kate,” Tony says sarcastically. Then the doors are shut and James is heading back to his room.

Once he is there, he strips out of the torn shirt and holds it. It had been the first shirt he had bought himself with his own money. He’s hesitant to just throw it away. He finally rolls it into a small ball and tucks it into his bag. He grabs another shirt, he’s down to three shirts, and is about to put it on when there’s a knock at his bedroom door. He looks over, since he never closed it, and sees Thor. 

“I know you wanted to be alone, but I feel as though I had triggered your panic. I’d like to make amends,” Thor says. 

“You’re a prince. An alien prince, apparently,” James says, twisting his new shirt in his hands. Thor nods. 

“Aye. I would be considered an alien to you,” he agrees. “Is that-”

“You kissed me,” James interrupts. “You kissed me and then acted like it was nothing!”

Thor looks sad. “James, of course it meant something,” he says. “I would not kiss you if I thought it meant nothing.”

“Then why?” James asks. 

“You are very handsome, though you do not appear to see it. I have only known you one day, but my soul reaches for you. You are quiet, shy almost, and your eyes are haunted. I wanted to ease your burden, if only for a moment. And then, after sleeping so peacefully, you woke to more pain and self-loathing. You told me no one should listen to you, but I disagree. I think everyone should listen because your words carry just as much weight as anyone else’s. I will admit...it wasn’t the best timing, but I do not regret it.”

_ I think you should take the chance,  _ the voice whispers. 

But James disagrees. He’s not healed yet, he’s still broken. Even Wanda had said it wasn’t a guarantee that he’d be fixed. 

“I shall not pressure you into  _ anything _ ,” Thor says, apparently reading his mind. “Just know that I find you attractive and, should you ever feel the need, I’d be open to laying with you.”

“Laying with me?” James tilts his head. He hasn’t heard that term before, though he suspects he knows what Thor means. 

“Aye. In terms you’ll understand,” Thor says, getting close to James, who forgets how to breathe, “I would be open to a sexual relationship, though I would court you if given the chance. It is entirely in your hands and if you decide to decline, I shall step back.”

“No.” He blurts it out before he thinks, then flushes as he tries to explain himself. “I mean...I don’t want you to step back...but I’m not fixed yet. I’ve not had anybody like  _ that _ ,” he stumbles over the word, “since the 30s. But...I like you...too…”

_ We used to be a lot smoother than that,  _ the voice says lightly, almost teasing. He tells it to shut up and smiles shyly as Thor grins. 

“I shall wait then, though may I have your permission to slowly court you?” he asks, reaching out and taking James’ hands. He doesn’t flinch at the cold temperature of the metal hand, nor does he act like it’s different. James’ heart clenches as he looks up at Thor. He nods slowly. He doesn’t know how Thor courts, but he likes the idea of going slowly. He hopes that, by the time he finishes with Wanda, he will be healed enough to pursue something with Thor. 

“I shall take my leave then,” Thor says. “Please do not lock yourself away and brood. We are expecting the Wakandan prince and princess today, along with the little bug, Peter. And besides, you said you’ll spar with me.” He throws James another grin and leaves.     

James stands there, his face red, for a moment before he snaps out of it and throws his new shirt on. He grabs his bag and heads for the living room, sitting on the couch and taking a good journal out of his bag. He grabs a pen and starts writing about everything that has happened. He doesn’t want to forget. 

He pauses when he writes about Tony. He may have agreed to let Thor court him, but he’s still intrigued by Tony. James knows, though, that if Tony ever found out what really happened to his parents, he would kill him. There was no question about it. James wonders if he should just come out and tell him, he’s not worth saving anyways. 

_ Don’t say that. You’re worth everything. _

How? James knows he did many terrible things while under HYDRA’s thumb. He knows he killed many innocents, their blood stains his hands. He doesn’t even know where the voice came from, though he suspects. 

_ You might be right. I can’t tell either. _

It doesn’t reassure him, but he knows he wouldn’t have survived without the voice talking to him over the years. The voice keeps him sane and knows things that he doesn’t. He can’t explain it, nor does he understand it, but he hopes that the sessions with Wanda don’t make the voice disappear. 

He’s lost in the writing, the pen flying across the paper. With fondness, he remembers when he got the journals. 

_ The bookstore was nearly hidden in the shadow of the two department stores on either side in the quiet part of Rockland, New York. James pushed the door open and stepped into the dimly lit store. It was a stereotypical old bookstore with shelves reaching to the ceiling, piled high with books. He felt something in his chest loosen and he breathed deep.  _

_ “Can I help you?”  _

_ James turned and saw an old man behind a low counter. His skin was wrinkled and his eyes were deep-set and kind. James hesitantly approached the counter.  _

_ “Uh...Do you sell journals?” he asked softly.  _

_ “Sure do. What kind are you looking for?” the man asked.  _

_ “Two different kinds. One for good memories and one for bad.” _

_ “Memories? You suffer a brain injury?” The man was kind, even if his question was blunt.  _

_ James nodded. “It’s hard remembering things. I want to be able to write them down and look over them when I forget who I am.” _

_ The man smiled softly. “I understand perfectly. I am ninety years old, I forget things too.”  _

_ Ninety. Nine years younger than James, though the man won’t believe that. James didn’t look any older than twenty-five, while the man was stooped with age.  _

_ The man shuffled off and came back with two journals. “These are the same ones I use. Did you know I was a soldier in the second great war?” he asked James. James’ heart squeezed. “I had just turned eighteen when I had been drafted. Ended up in the 107th division.” James stomach now rolled too. “I remember perfectly when we were saved by Captain America. But I forget other things, so I use these to write them down.” _

_ He didn’t even let James pay for them. He just slid them into a bag and gave it to him. James had clutched the bag to his chest like he was drowning.  _

_ “What’s your name?” he found himself asking.  _

_ “Jacob Platt,” the man answered with another knowing smile. James nodded and left without another word. It wasn’t until his dreams that night did he remember the man.  _

_ Eighteen year old Jacob Platt had been scrawny and terrified. James remembered thinking he looked like Steve, but slightly bigger. That thought had been why James took Jacob under his wings. James had saved the boy’s life a couple of times, including when they were captured. HYDRA had been wanting Jacob first. James saw the scared look and heard his pleading. He hadn’t even thought anything of it when he stood up and told them to take him instead. He remembered Jacob’s half grateful, half scared out of his mind look. And afterwards, after Steve saved them all, Jacob’s look turned into hero worship, but not for Steve. _

_ Jacob looked at James like that. It was a bit disconcerting to see when everyone else looked like that to Steve, but it warmed James’ heart. He had been able to ensure that some kid went home to his family.  _

_ He hadn’t even gotten a chance to say goodbye before he was falling.  _

He had went back to the shop a few times after that. Jacob never spoke of the war again, but he never made James pay. Always just wrapped the journals up with a smile. 

It had been about three months since he last went and James wonders if he would be allowed to visit. Then he thinks about his sisters. One dead before she could fully live her life, two who lived long lives and mourned him.

Everyone he knows from that time is either very old or dead, except Steve. Steve is the exact same as he remembered from before. James doesn’t know if he will age. He doesn’t even know if his own body will age. But he knows there will come a time when he will have to say goodbye to the last living links to his past. 

_ Hopefully not soon though,  _ the voice says. 

He agrees. He wishes there was a way to go back in time and fix everything. If he could go back in time, he would do so much differently. For one, he would have told Ally that he loved her on the last day he saw her. He would have done his best to fight HYDRA before they could get their hands on him. He would have saved Howard Stark. He would have saved countless lives. 

But he can’t. What’s done is done and it fills his heart with lead. His flesh hand trembles as he writes. He writes everything he can remember about Becca, Ally, Winnie, and even Jacob. He writes about small Steve and big Steve and then goes on to write about the Avengers. He writes about Clint and Natasha and Kate, how they seemed to be together all at once. He writes about Steve and Sam. Vision and Wanda. There are a lot of couples. He smiles when he writes about Thor, but the smile stays when he writes about Tony. 

Before he knows it, it’s almost noon. He jumps when Friday speaks out of nowhere. 

“Excuse me, James. Tony would like to know if you want to see Peter. He would also like to inform you that the prince and princess are on their way.”

He closes the journals, noticing how they are almost filled. He makes a mental note to go visit Jacob again and nods. “I’ll be right there,” he says. His spine tingles at the prospect of meeting more royalty. He puts his journals carefully away and then heads out. He hopes, with all his heart, that he doesn’t have a panic attack in front of the new people. But with his luck? Who knows. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James learns more about the future and meets a certain Wakandan prince

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so ive only got up to chapter nine written, but its going more smoothly than it has lately. honestly, if you think of something and think it could fit where im going with it, shoot me a message or a comment. I'd love to hear it

“There you are! We didn’t know what happened! Sam just said that he knew you and you would be staying here? That’s so cool by the way.” Peter’s smile is big as James walks into the living room. “I wish I could stay but unless someone adopts me, Aunt May is responsible for me. Not that I don’t like living-”

“Pete.” Tony casts him a look and Peter falls silent. James just smiles and pats Peter on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you,” he says. Peter’s face lights up again. James is reminded of a puppy again, all gangly legs and excitable smiles. 

“It’s okay. Mr. Stark said you’re in good hands.” Peter looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. 

James glances at Tony and feels his chest warm. He doesn’t doubt for a second that the Avengers are capable of taking him down if he were to go off the deep end. But it’s more than that. It’s how Tony makes him feel included in jokes, how Steve tries to protect him, and how Thor is soft with him. 

He sees the dog again, the one that was with Kate before. She’s sitting there next to Tony, sipping water and watching him with an intense concentration. As their eyes meet, hers soften and she smiles. He tries to smile back and looks back at the dog. He wants to pet it, but he’s a little scared of Kate. 

“Go ahead. His name is Lucky,” she says anyways. He does smile now and crouches down next to him. Lucky doesn’t even sniff, just goes straight to wagging his tail and licking James’ face. “He’s technically Clint’s, but Nat and I claim ownership too.”

“All three of you?” he asks, sitting on his heels and looking up. He wonders if she will explain why all three of them kissed each other. 

She nods. “We’re in a poly relationship. That means there’s more than just a couple. I’m dating Clint, but I’m also dating Nat. Just as they are dating each other and also me. It’s just the three of us, but I have a friend who’s got four in her group.”

He’s astounded. He had never heard of such a thing, but it seems to work for them. He had seen love in their eyes as they looked at one another. He thinks the future might not be so bad. 

“Like Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts and Mr. Rhodes!” Peter exclaims. Tony just laughs. 

“Not quite, Peter. I’m not dating them. I’m just super best friends with both to the point it seems like we’re dating,” Tony says. 

“Oh. And Mr. Banner?” Peter asks. 

“I’m pretty sure he’s still hung up on Betty. Bruce’s other love is science, nobody else.” Tony shakes his head. “But I don’t know about Thor. His stories always include orgies of some kind or another.”

“Tony,” Steve says, walking into the room. “Kid.”

“It’s okay, Mr. Rogers, Sir. I’ve heard worse,” Peter says, his eyes wide. 

“Nah, he’s right. I shouldn’t be talking about that,” Tony says with a sly grin. Steve eyes him suspiciously, then smiles at James, who’s still petting Lucky. The dog is soaking it up and has rolled onto his back. 

James smiles back, but his mind is on what Tony had said. Did Thor like relationships like Clint and Kate and Natasha? Did he want to be exclusive or did he want someone else as well as James? Was James even okay with that? He thinks about it, then decides he would be. After so many years of being alone with his pain, he would never deny someone the chance of happiness, no matter how they found it. 

James rearranges himself so that he’s sitting cross legged on the floor, back touching Tony’s leg. Lucky instantly rolls back over and wiggles onto his lap. Distantly, he knows that a normal person would have trouble handling the nearly 100 pound dog, but James just picks him up and rearranges Lucky with no problem. 

“How did you guys even get on that topic?” Sam asks, right behind Steve. 

“Kate was explaining her thing and Pete said it was like me. I corrected him and mentioned Thor,” Tony sums up, Peter nodding in agreement. Steve’s eyes got tight, but James suspects that he was the only one who notices. He frowns and Lucky licks his chin. He brushes some hair back.

“Oh, here. This can help,” Peter says, digging into a pocket and pulling out a black rubber band. He gives it to James, who takes it with a smile. 

“What is it?” he asks, holding it up. He remembers seeing people, mostly women, with one in their hair, but he has no idea how to put it on. 

“It’s a hair tie,” Tony says. “You’ve never seen one before?” He’s kind about his question, not trying to make James feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. He nods.

“I’ve seen it on other people. How do I put it on?” he asks. Tony takes it from him. 

“Here,” he says, gathering James’ hair back. His fingers are soft through his hair and James wants to close his eyes and lean into the touch. He doesn’t though, he doesn’t want to show more vulnerability in front of everyone. “There you go.”

James reaches up and touches the bun that Tony made. It’s sturdy, but not tight, and he smiles. “Thanks.” He turns to Peter, with hair is too short to wear one. “Why do you have one?”

Peter turns pink and he stutters when replying. “Oh, uh...Aunt May wears them a lot.” But he’s not meeting James’ eyes and he knows he’s lying. Like before, he lets Peter have his lie and says nothing. Lucky licks his exposed neck and he actually laughs, burying his face into the scruffy fur.

“You like dogs?” Sam asks. James nods. 

“I like all animals. They are kind. You won’t find a dog or a cat stabbing you in the back,” James answers. 

“True,” Kate says. 

“Scarily accurate,” Tony agrees. Then he slaps a hand on James’ shoulder. “Want to head to the lab? T’Challa and Shuri are almost here.” James nods and reluctantly sets Lucky aside. He stands up and follows Tony and Peter down to the labs. Peter veers off towards a part of the lab that James hadn’t paid attention to and begins to open holograms. 

“It’s their pet project,” Tony explains as James watches Peter’s face narrow in concentration. “They have a bet going to see who can build the fastest bike. So far, Shuri’s winning.”

“Peter likes science?” James asks. Tony laughs. 

“Are you kidding? He’s a genius. Shuri too. I swear those two are smarter than T’Challa, Bruce, and I combined. They’re going to wreck havoc when they become adults.” Tony opens his own holograms and James sees a blueprint of a new arm. 

“When did you meet them?” he asks, curious about these new royals. 

“Actually, not that long ago. Maybe three months ago? King T’Chaka had decided it was time to step out of isolation, so they’ve been talking to some ambassadors at the UN and all that. I was invited to a couple because of my history in weapons and because I created arc reactor tech. I met T’Challa my first time there and we hit it off pretty good. I invited his family to the tower to meet the Avengers in an informal setting, I’d heard his sister had wanted to meet them. Well, long story short, Shuri met Peter and they began geeking out together. So now they meet up every two weeks or so and do science together. T’Challa and I kinda oversee it, like chaperones.” The whole time he talks, Tony paces as if it’s second nature.

James looks over at Peter, tongue between his teeth and eyes narrowed. He’s reminded again of how young Peter is and feels a surge of protectiveness. He thinks about Shuri and finds himself excited to meet her. He’s never felt excitement over meeting people before and he rubs his chest absently. 

“Chest hurt?” Tony asks, a worried frown on his face. James shakes his head. “Your arm?” James nods. 

“It always hurts. I’ve learned to tune it out,” he answers honestly. Tony’s eyes darken. 

“Fucking HYDRA,” he says. “Don’t worry. When we’re done, there will be nothing left of them.”

_ We already took care of them,  _ the voice whispers darkly.  __

“The prince and princess are here,” Friday announces. “I’ve let them know you are in the labs.”

“Thanks,” Tony says, waving a hand. It’s barely five minutes when a young girl bursts into the lab and aims for Peter, locking him into a headlock. James tenses before he realizes she is just playing. 

“Hey! Shuri!” Peter squacks, trying to fight her off. She just laughs and rubs her knuckles into his hair, making him squirm harder.

“Shuri, is that any way to treat a newcomer? Ignoring them?” The new voice is deeper than Tony’s, but not as deep as Thor’s or Steve’s. James suppresses a shiver and turns towards the new man. 

He’s vaguely aware that the voice is humming with appreciation as he takes him in. T’Challa is dressed royally in a blue tunic with a gold belt and black pants. His facial hair is as perfectly groomed as Sam’s or Tony’s, but his hair is more curly. His dark skin looks smooth and James drops his stare down at his own scarred hand. Briefly he worries that people don’t like his hands, but then he tells himself that no one cares. 

_ No one’s looking at your hands,  _ the voice assures him. 

There’s two women behind him, bald women in red clothing. They’re holding spears and James forgets how to breath. 

“Hey, James? I got you,” Tony’s says, his voice faint sounding. His hands are touching James’ shoulders and he reaches up to latch on, a grounding technique. He slowly comes back to his body, aware that his chest hurts once more and everyone is quiet aside from Tony, who’s whispering support. He blinks and focuses on Tony’s dark eyes. 

“There you are again,” Tony says softly, smiling. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he says back. He glances at the women again. The spears are now behind their backs, nearly out of sight. 

“This is Okera, my personal guard, and Visha, Shuri’s,” T’Challa introduces. Okera looks the oldest, her face carefully blank, while Visha offers a small smile to show she means no harm. “I’m sorry that the spears are necessary, but Baba feels we need protection as we enter the rest of the world.”

James nods. His flesh hand is trembling again, but he tries to hide it as Shuri walks up to him and holds her hand out. 

“I’m Shuri. And you are?” she asks with a grin. He can see why her and Peter became such fast friends. He unintentionally shakes her hand with his metal one and his name dies on his tongue as he waits for her disgust. But she just shakes and lets it drop without a single word. 

“James,” he finally says, a beat too late. 

“Tony says they’re going to fix your arm? I can do better,” she boasts. T’Challa rolls his eyes as Tony laughs. 

“No doubt, but what about your bet?” Tony asks.

“I am already done,” she answers. James finds that their accent is relaxing and nice to listen to. “I want in.”

Tony just smiles and spreads his hands. “Okay. Beat us into the ground, why don’t you?” But he’s teasing. 

“Already done? It’s been a week.” Peter says, his eyes wide. Shuri just shrugs. “Whoa. Can I just pay you now and save myself a ton of work?”

Shuri goes over to talk to Peter and T’Challa comes up to him. The handshake is firmer, but instead of letting go, T’Challa holds onto the metal hand. 

“May I?” he asks. James nods, his throat dry. He wants to run, wants to hide under the table as they poke and prod at the arm, but he knows he has to be there. He closes his eyes and keeps the metal outstretched.

He jumps slightly when soft hands lift the sleeve of his shirt and touch the scarred skin surrounding his shoulder. He opens his eyes again and is unprepared to see T’Challa’s face right next to his. He flushes and looks away, seeing Tony go behind him. 

“Would it make it easier without the shirt?” he asks, refusing to glance their way. He hears two “yes”s and quickly takes his shirt off. Tony and T’Challa begin to talk in words he doesn’t understand and Shuri soon joins them. Peter forgoes the arm and instead stands in front of him.

“I’ve been wanting to ask you something, but I don’t know if it’s allowed,” Peter says, looking down. 

“Go ahead. Distract me,” James pleads, thinking to himself that he would probably answer any question of Peter’s. He’s such a good kid, all smiles and happiness. It makes a place in James’ heart ache for the parents he lost. 

“Well...The whole metal arm and everything, plus there are things about the future you don’t know about...and Steve…” James feels as though he knows the exact question before Peter gets to it. “Are you him? The Winter Soldier?”

The three other scientists pause in their conversation as he sucks in a breath. He decides on the truth. He can’t lie to Peter.

“I am.”

“So that means you’re Bucky Barnes? Steve’s best friend from forever ago?” Peter asks. James nods again. “What was it like? Living in the 20s and 30s?”

James smiles. He’s thankful Peter didn’t stick to the Winter Soldier topic. “I don’t remember much still. But here’s what I remember.” T’Challa, Shuri, and Tony resume their talking as he tells Peter all about life as he knew it. 

He talks about his family, what he remembers of growing up in the depression era, his sisters, and then meeting Steve. 

“He was just a little punk, all knobby knees and breathing problems. He was fighting this kid because the kid had shoved little Winnie into the mud. I had just gotten there and saw this tiny kid throw the best punch I’ve seen. ‘Course it didn’t phase the kid much. He just shoved Steve down too. But I came over and kicked the kid, making him leave. We’ve been friends ever since.”

“How old were you?” Peter asks, hanging onto his every word. 

“I think Winnie was about three, so maybe thirteen? Steve was about twelve, he’s a year younger than me. I took him under my wing and he tried to protect me. It worked out.” James still remembers the day he got his orders, finding Steve in the back alley of the theater, the failed double date. It was the last time they saw each other normal. 

“So Steve was always stubborn,” Tony remarks, making James jump again. Then he laughs for the second time in as long as he can remember. 

“Oh yeah. Did Steve ever tell you he applied for the army five different times? He could’ve been in serious trouble for lying on the enlistment forms.” James briefly sees T’Challa giving Tony a specific look, but doesn’t think anything of it. 

“No shit? Come on, tell us more dirty Cap secrets,” Tony says, laughter in his voice. 

“Well, I don’t know about dirty...He used to hate double dates with me. ‘Course I never made it easy. Never asked him what his type was. Apparently it’s fierce, smart as hell, and calm under pressure.”

“Like Aunt Peggy,” Tony says, more quietly. T’Challa and Shuri step aside to start a new holographic blueprint. James looks at him. 

“Yeah. I didn’t remember her name until Steve said it yesterday, but I remember her. First time I ever saw her, she was in red. Red dress, red lips, red heart for everyone to see. She only had eyes for Steve, never even glanced at me. I remember being jealous, but not for the reasons people thought. I was jealous because she got to have a piece of Steve that I never could. Not that I wanted it, I love him like a brother. But…”

“He was your best friend and now he had someone else,” Tony suggests. James nods. 

“Yeah. I got his friendship, but she got his heart.”

“What about you? Did you like anyone?” Peter asked. James was silent for a beat too long. 

“No. I mean...I liked women. I remember having a new girl every weekend. But no one sticks out really.” But then a memory, one he doesn’t remember, pops up.

_ “Hey! Bucky!” It was Jacob Platt. He turned around, smile already in place.  _

_ “Yeah?” It had been one of those rare days, in between attacking bases, where they could take a breather.  _

_ “I was just wondering if you wanted to grab a drink?” Jacob’s face flushed. “Uh, with the other guys. Not just me. That’d be wrong.”  _

_ Bucky’s smile dropped as the young teen stammered. He often wondered about Jacob. He had caught the teen eyeing up the guys when he thought no one was looking. Bucky had briefly considered turning him in, but decided against it. Who was he to judge how others loved? Everyone needed someone in this war. But he hoped Jacob didn’t eye him up. He was much older at twenty-seven, nine years older. _

_ “Yeah, sure.” Bucky watched as Jacob’s smile widened. He had a pretty smile. Wait. No. Bucky instantly stepped back, watching as Jacob’s smile faltered. He couldn’t think that? So why did he? _

“You sure?” Tony asks. James flushes a bright red and hears T’Challa drop a pen. 

“Uh...a...There was a….um…”

“A man?” Tony prompts. James looks away. “Hey, don’t do that. No self hatred. Haven’t you figured out the future is a lot more open about that kinda stuff?”

James blows out a breath. “Jacob Platt. He was in my division. He’s still alive actually. I used to catch him looking at men, at me a lot. He was very handsome, but I thought he was too young. He was only eighteen when he entered the war. I was twenty-seven.” He’s quiet for a moment, then speaks up again. “I met him again, in Rockland. He owns a bookshop, it’s where I get my journals. I want to go again, before he…”

“We’ll make a trip of it,” Tony promises. “How about next weekend?” 

James nods, a pleased smile on his face. He turns to T’Challa, who looks up from his notes as though he felt his gaze. “Where are you from?” he asks. 

“Wakanda in Africa. We have been isolated from the rest of the world for many years now, but my father has decided it’s time to step out,” he answered. 

James nods. “Isolation’s lonely,” he says. Even Shuri pauses at that so James looks down, not quite blushing, but still pink. T’Challa and Tony are forced to step back as Peter rushes forward and throws his arms around James. He freezes, unused to so many touches that promised no pain. But he hesitantly pats Peter’s back and Peter steps back.

“Sorry. You looked like you needed a hug and Aunt May always says that hugging’s the best medicine or something like that. I wasn’t really listening because when she said that there was a commercial on for this new laptop that’s so cool! It’s red and-” Peter stops himself and looks down. “Sorry. I know I talk a lot.”

“It’s okay. Tell me more about the laptop,” he requests. His chest feels warm as Peter grins widely and continues to tell him everything. Most of it goes over his head, but he likes how Peter looks so happy talking about things he enjoys. More of an overgrown puppy than usual. 

As Peter talks, James is very aware of the three who are still talking science. Tony is telling the others about his initial findings, fingers touching the arm every once in awhile. T’Challa mumbles in a different language at times and Shuri is expanding on Tony’s ideas. As he listens to the four, his own mind wanders, trying to connect everything he’s learned so far. 

His hesitation earlier wasn’t that Jacob was a man, despite what he let Tony think. It was more of the fact that there was nine years between them. James isn’t even sure if he’s gay or not, but he’s open to it, unlike most of everybody in his old unit. He thinks about Thor and his slow courting and knows that he might be like Steve, who likes to kiss both men and women. James hasn’t ever felt love for a woman, but he liked kissing them. Of course, he hasn’t felt love for a man either. He likes Thor and wants to see where the courting goes, but he’s not in love. It’s not just Thor either. 

Tony takes up most of his mind. He doesn’t blame Tony for being a bit closed off when meeting. He had just tried to break his suit. But after they got to the tower, Tony had become more friendly and open, offering smiles and a floor to himself without wanting anything in return. Tony makes James’ heart jump every time he smiles. 

And now there’s T’Challa. James doesn’t know if it’s a crush or what, but he likes listening to T’Challa’s deep accent and the smell of nature and flowers when he gets close. Tony smells like metal and grease, but they meld together well and James likes the combined scent. Like cars dipped in flowers or trees wielding wrenches. Thor smells of the air right before a lightning storm, all wild and sharp, bursting with electricity. He thinks each scent matches the man perfectly. 

“Mr. James, sir?” 

James jerks slightly as Peter’s fingers tap his flesh arm. He blinks and realizes that Tony, Shuri, and T’Challa aren’t even by him anymore. Shuri is studying a hologram and Tony and T’Challa are on the other side of the lab, talking quietly. 

“Just James. Sorry, I spaced,” he said. Peter’s eyes were wide, but not because he was scared. James suspected that he always looked a bit wide-eyed with wonder and curiosity. “But I heard everything.” 

Peter’s smile was small, but bright. “I was just gonna tell you that Mr. Stark said you could put your shirt back on.” The metal arm is resting on the table next to James.

He pulls on his shirt, puts the arm back on and walks over to T’Challa and Tony. 

“Uh, what time is it?” he asks. 

“Two. Are you hungry? I don’t think you’ve eaten since yesterday,” Tony says.

James pauses to consider. Was he hungry? He thinks so, but he’s been hungrier than this so he knows he can last longer. “Uh, I’m fine...I was gonna spar with Thor, if we’re done here.” He twists his hands, worried now that Tony thinks he’s just trying to get away. 

“Hey,” he says softly, taking James’ hands into his own. “It’s fine. We’ve got everything we need to start building. If you wanna go and knock around some gods, be my guest.”

James nods and says goodbye to everyone. He learns that T’Challa and Shuri will still be there, they’re staying for dinner, and Peter usually leaves at night. He heads out and remembers to ask Friday where the gym is. As he’s walking, the voice speaks up. 

_ We’re finally getting the help we need. _

He just hums his agreement and continues on. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and James spar a bit, then a huge surprise is in store for James, as well as a new friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there will be time skips soon. mostly just because I cant seem to find the muse to write about James' day to day life. like I said in the tags, I will be adding certain parts from civil war, just changing them a bit. That's gonna happen soon.

The gym is busy when he shows up. Natasha and Clint are on the floor, leaning against the wall as they tease and taunt Steve and Thor, who are lightly sparring next to them. Sam is in a corner, jabbing at a punching bag, and Scott is doing sit-ups in another corner. James is suddenly unsure if he wants to spar with so many around, especially the black widow. He turns to head for the door. 

“James!” Thor’s voice is loud across the gym. He sounds excited as he leaves Steve’s side to walk to James. He turns back around, wishing he had taken the hair tie out so he could hide behind a curtain of hair. As it is, he’s slightly impressed the bun that Tony had made is still holding up. 

“Are you ready to test your strength against mine?” Thor asks, throwing an arm around his shoulders. James hesitantly nods, glancing at everyone else. 

“Oh, this will be amazing,” Clint says, grinning happily. 

“I call dibs on recording,” Sam says, walking over with Scott. They sit down next to Clint and Natasha as Steve stays standing, a frown pulling at his lips.

“Are we sure this is-”

“Jeez, what are you? His mother?” Clint asks, cutting Steve off. 

“If things go wrong-” Steve tries again. 

“We can handle it,” Natasha says, fixing Steve with an unblinking stare. He huffs and crosses his arms. 

“Fine. Whatever,” he says, dangerously close to pouting. James frowns. He knows Steve means well, but his hovering is making James anxious. He chooses to ignore him and focuses on untying his boots. 

James toes his boots off and hesitates on taking his shirt off again. He wants to match Thor, whose chest is shiny with sweat, but it’s different than taking his shirt off for science. 

“You can keep your shirt on,” Thor says, a small smile on his face. James nods and looks down at his bare toes, pale against the dark floor. He lightly frowns as he thinks he needs to get more sun now that he’s somewhere safe. 

_ Shake his hand. I remember seeing that _ . The voice is focusing on Thor and the spar as James is focusing on his pale skin. He looks up and sticks his hand out, causing Clint to smother a laugh and Sam and Scott to chuckle. Thor’s smile is bigger, more easy, as he shakes James’ hand. 

Following the voice’s instructions, he bows slightly and releases Thor’s hand to get into position. He places one foot behind and bends his other leg, his fists raised and hovering around his chest. Thor mimics his position and Sam gets his phone ready. James hears a tiny beep as Sam begins recording. 

Unprompted, Steve counts down. “Three, two, one.”

Thor makes the first move, lunging forward. James steps to the side and Thor misses, but whirls around undaunted. At their first contact, James can’t resist a tiny shiver as he feels a warm tingle of electricity trail after Thor’s touch. His metal arm flashes through the air as James lands a blow to Thor’s arm. At first he’s worried that he’s going to hurt Thor, but the sight of Thor’s grin is enough to placate him. They trade a few more blows, feet moving in circles as they dance around each other. 

“Come on! God against super soldier! Get more dramatic!” Scott jeers, causing everyone to laugh, even Steve. James lets himself smile and looks into Thor’s eyes for a second. Thor’s gaze asks if it’s okay and James give a small nod. Thor nods to confirm and then it’s on. 

Thor’s speed surprises James and it’s all he can do to keep up at first. His flesh arm blocks as he strikes out with his metal. Thor stumbles back as he makes contact and for a second James is worried. But then Thor laughs and jumps right back in. 

_ He’s beautiful,  _ the voice whispers in awe. James agrees. Even though he is fighting James, Thor looks outworldly with his long hair swinging behind him and his blue eyes lit up with delight. James’ own hair is falling out of the bun Tony had made and is framing his face. 

Thor manages to get behind James and tries to get him in a lock, but James simply steadies his feet and grabs his arm to flip Thor over his shoulder. As Thor lands hard on the floor, everyone cheers. Thor is laughing on the floor, too out of breath to get back up. James grins without trying and holds a hand out to help Thor up. 

“That was actually really cool,” Sam says, stopping the recording. Steve smiles and looks relaxed as he watches James chuckle.

“Your arm truly is a work of art. I wonder, will it hold up against  Mjölnir?” Thor asks. James gives him a questioning look.

_ Mehmir? What is he talking about? _ the voice asks.

“Ah, you haven’t been introduced yet,” Thor says with a wide smile. He holds his hand out and James sees a huge hammer fly towards them, the one he’d seen Thor with before. Without thinking, he ducks, but Thor catches it easily and holds it out for James to look at it. “It was forged in the heart of a dying star. Only those it considers worthy may hold it. Would you like to try?” Thor asks, his voice soft and understanding. James gets the meaning and knows no one would hold it against him if he couldn’t or wouldn’t hold it. 

His mind instantly screams no. He’s not worthy. He’ll never be worthy. His hands are stained in blood and his past is a dark void of pain and cold, not worthy to touch something as beautiful as the hammer in front of him. 

_ Hey. Stop that. Just try. Worst case is you can’t pick it up. But just try.  _ The voice is stern, as it always is when he starts thinking bad things about himself. 

But James can’t make himself reach out for it. He stares at the hammer, taking in every little detail. He hesitantly reaches out, but only to touch. He doesn’t try and take it away from Thor, only runs his finger along the warm metal. He expected it to be cold, but the metal feels as though it was laying for hours in the sun. 

“James? You don’t have to, but everyone else has tried. No one will think less of you,” Thor whispers, correctly reading his mind. James’ eyes flick up to meet his and the clash of blue is welcoming and strengthens James. He nods and Thor sets it on the ground, handle facing James. 

“Oh my god,” he hears from the side. He thinks it’s Scott, but he doesn’t turn to look. 

He starts to reach out with his metal arm, then stops himself. The arm itself will never be worthy to touch a beautiful piece of art like Mjölnir. He reaches with his flesh arm instead and lightly grasps the smooth leather of the handle. 

Steeling himself, he gently tugs and nearly over balances as the hammer comes up easily. He’d been expecting to be denied and wasn’t ready for the hammer to swing upwards in his grip. He steadies himself and looks, a bit panicked, to Thor. Thor is grinning broadly and laughing, jumping forward and wrapping James into a hug. The others are cheering even louder and he distantly hears the beep of a recording ending. 

_ See? I knew you could do it _ , the voice says, smug. The others are now surrounding him and Thor, clapping him on the back and lightly teasing about being worthy. From what he gathers, the others have all tried and failed, except for Vision. 

Thor kisses his cheek and James blushes, not used to this much attention. He hands Mjölnir back to Thor and steps back.

“I just need a moment,” he says. Everyone nods, but Steve and Thor look worried. James turns and walks quickly from the room, trying not to think of it as fleeing. He heads to his floor and into his bedroom. He grabs his bag and takes his good memories journals out, hugging them to his chest, sliding onto the floor. 

He’s not having a panic attack, but it’s close. His breathing is faster and he works to slow it down. He hugs the journals tightly and uses the grounding feeling to remind himself that he’s come so far from what HYDRA had made him. He had been steeped in blood and pain for so long that he was thrown completely off guard by Mjölnir accepting him. 

The voice is talking to him, but, for once, he can’t listen. He just holds them tighter and closes his eyes, focusing on all the good things he can. He thinks of the Parkers and Ben, strangers who were welcoming and so kind to someone they didn’t know. Peter with his endless energy and wide eyes taking everything in. He thinks of Steve, his closest link to his past, unchanged by time. His one constant in a sea of change. Clint and Natasha and Kate, all clearly in love and so close together. Lucky with his golden fur and soft tongue. The others and their welcoming arms and easy demeanors. 

Then he thinks of T’Challa, a newcomer with a deep voice and a seemingly unending patience for the two teenagers. Shuri and her easy friendship with Peter, treating the boy like another brother. He thinks of Thor and his kisses, his offer of courtship that sends a tingle of excitement down James’ spine. 

Finally, his mind settles on Tony. He stays away from the topic he’s avoiding and focuses on other things like Tony’s dark brown eyes that are framed by thick lashes. The way he includes James in everything despite the fact that James had tried to destroy his suit. The way he smiled when James held his hand. 

“James?”

James jerks as Tony himself appears in front of him, concern written in his eyes. 

“Friday said you might need help? What’s going on?” he asks, sitting on the floor in front of James. 

“I picked up Thor’s hammer,” James blurts out. Tony’s eyes widen, even as a grin makes its way across his face. 

“Please tell me someone got it on recording. That’s amazing! What does it feel like?” Tony realizes then that he’s rambling and gives a sheepish grin. “Sorry. I’ve just been wanting to lift it ever since Thor showed up with it. But why the panicking?”

“I’m not panicking,” James says, forcing himself to drop the journals to his lap. “I just...I’ve been drenched in blood for so long. I don’t want to say the hammer is wrong because it’s so beautiful and Thor gives me kisses and I don’t want to disappoint him. So I came back here to think of good things. Things that might make me worthy, but anything I can think of is of someone else. I haven’t done anything worthy! What if it  _ did _ make a mistake and next time I go to pick it up, it doesn’t work and everyone will know I’m a liar?”

“Hey, whoa there,” Tony says, cutting him off before he can work himself up. “Ok, we’re gonna just set Thor and his kisses aside,” he starts. James’ eyes widen. He hadn’t meant to reveal that and now he worries that he upset Tony. But Tony just continues as though nothing is wrong. “As for everything else, what you did under HYDRA isn’t you. You were made into a weapon and aimed by some very bad people. The James Barnes under the weapon wouldn’t have done all that, would he?”

James’ mind goes right to Howard and Maria. He shakes his head, thinking of more victims. No, James Barnes wouldn’t have killed all those people. He’d only ever killed those who were attacking the Howling Commandos on their quest to stop HYDRA in the war. 

“See? Different. The Winter Soldier wouldn’t of chosen to seek help. He wouldn’t of chosen to follow Steve and come here, let alone stay and let me look over your arm. You’re not him,” Tony says, leaning in closer so he can look directly into James’ eyes. 

_ That’s what I’ve been saying. You’re no longer the weapon they wielded,  _ the voice adds. 

“Also, I’m pretty sure the hammer is at least a tiny bit alive. If it decided that you’re worthy once, then you’re worthy all the time. It’s not going to trick you and suddenly think you’re not worthy,” Tony says. 

To his embarrassment, James’ eyes fill with tears and he ducks his head. He hears Tony shift around until he’s sitting on the floor with him and Tony’s hands come into his sight. The strong, tanned, slightly callused hands gently grab his and James looks back up at Tony. 

“Look, I understand all about not feeling worthy. I’m still trying to make up for selling weapons for so long and lord knows I’m not about to touch on my dad, but I’m working on getting past all that. So there’s no rule saying that you can’t either,” Tony says softly. James looks away, his heart squeezing at the mention of Howard. No, he can’t see how he’s worthy.

“How about a dog of your own?” Tony suddenly asks, his hands briefly tightening in excitement. James look back a third time, the question in his eyes. “You looked so content with Lucky and you said you love animals, so how about a dog? It can be a service dog or just one from the shelter. Hell, we can get it today if you want.”

James can’t help the smile. He likes it when Tony starts rambling, words spilling from his lips as he usually waves his hands around to make points. But he’s never been responsible for a pet before. There was never money in the twenties for one and then there was the war and the Winter Soldier business.

_ It could help you. I think you should get one. A dog can be trained to help with panic attacks, _ the voice says, clearly thinking it through. 

A dog also requires walking, which means outside in the public with people all around him. What if he relapses?

_ You’ve been in the public for two years. Walking a dog won’t make much of a difference,  _ the voice points out, sounding slightly stern. He hates it when the voice switches to a lecturing voice, it makes him feel small. He nods and sees Tony’s face light up. He has to start remembering to answer the voice in his head only, but his smile grows along with Tony’s. 

“Great! So, first thing’s first. Shelter or service? A service dog might take a bit longer to get,” Tony says, falling quiet as James thinks it through, weighing the pros and cons of each option. He settles on a shelter dog, easier to train to his liking.

“Shelter,” he says. Then a thought occurs to him and he blurts out, “no one has allergies, right?”

Tony chuckles. “Well, Lucky’s been everywhere and no one has so much as sneezed at him,” he teases gently. James flushes a light pink. He had forgotten about that detail. “So, next question because I don’t want you to get overwhelmed or anything. Do you want to go today and who’s going with you? Or you can go by yourself. You’re a grown man. I’m not trying to restrict you or anything.” It’s Tony’s turn to faintly blush and the reaction somehow makes it easier for James to answer. 

“Considering I’ve had so many panic attacks in the last two days, I’d like to go today. And I don’t really care who comes.” James doesn’t say that he would like Tony and Thor to come with, he values their opinion as much as Steve’s. 

“Come on, I’ll call an informal meeting,” Tony says, getting up in one fluid motion and keeping his grip on James’ hands, pulling him up as well. The journals had been laying, forgotten, on the floor until Tony picks them up and hands them to James. He gratefully takes them back and carefully puts them back in his bag. He puts Mjölnir out of his head for now, as he knows it will simply make him freak out again. Tony has Friday send a message to meet in the kitchen and the two make their way down. 

With Tony there, James doesn’t notice the elevator and before he knows it, they’re in the kitchen. Everyone trickles in behind them and James smiles as Thor comes in and positions himself at James side, Tony on his other. James doesn’t want to bring more attention to himself so he lets Tony explain the situation. 

“So Jamie boy decided that he wants a shelter dog. He’s getting it today, any objections?” Tony offers, letting them speak up. 

“I think it will be a good idea,” Sam says. 

“It will help with any PTSD, though it’s not a cure,” Clint adds, Lucky at his side. 

“Oh my gosh, can I come? Mr. James, sir, please, can I come?” Peter asks, his eyes impossibly wide. James smiles again as he thinks of the teenage looking like a puppy himself. He nods. 

“But you don’t have to call me sir or Mr. James. Just James is fine,” he says. Peter nods back and fist bumps the air.

“Yes! Cute dogs, here I come!” he says, causing mostly everyone to laugh. 

“May I come as well?” Shuri asks. “I would like to see the dogs too.”

James glances at T’Challa before answering. At the prince’s nod, he gives Shuri a nod as well. She grins and fist bumps Peter. 

“Does that mean you’re coming?” James asks T’Challa, excited for the chance to spend more time with him not in a location designed to freak James out. 

“If you are okay with Okera and Visha coming for our protection,” T’Challa answered. James nods. He may sweat a bit at the sight of the spears, but he understands protection and would never keep it from someone. 

James looks to Thor, who gives him a smile. “I would be honored to watch as you pick your companion,” Thor says, placing a warm hand on James’ shoulder. James gives him a smile and then looks to Tony. 

“You want me to come too?” Tony asks, as if the idea never occurred to him. 

“It was your idea. You need to help me pick it out,” James says. Tony grins and nods. Everyone else bows out, saying that they’ll see the dog when he returns. The eight of them split into two groups and they take two cars. 

The shelter is fifteen minutes away and Peter spends the whole time chattering away about the different breeds of dogs and how each differs from the rest. Tony and Thor just smile as Peter talks, but James is actively listening, even asking questions that Peter is more than happy to answer. By the time he gets to the shelter, James feels a connection to the pit bull. He too had been deemed dangerous and made to fight against his will, altered to win and beaten into submission. 

They regroup at the shelter and T’Challa goes in first to explain the spears. The shelter staff is uneasy, but they won’t refuse a prince. They allow it and the group goes in, heading for the dog room. Right away, they lose Peter and Shuri to the kittens in the window of the cat room. Thor and Visha stay behind as well and the other four continue on. 

James acts like it’s his new mission and spends time at each cage. He reads the cards and spends a few minutes with each dog. He quickly decides he doesn't want a small breed. He would be too terrified to pick it up and he doesn’t want to neglect the dog. He likes a German Shepard, but the dog ignores him and turns its back on him. He doesn’t want a dog who will ignore him all the time either. Other dogs catch his attention, but then they reach the last cage. 

The dog inside looks rough. He is scarred and his ears are close to his head and have jagged edges. He’s medium height, but his chest is wide and he’s muscled. The dog’s coat is a light tan with white from his jaw to his stomach. He watches James with a sense of apprehension and is tense, his tail held out from his body. 

“Oh jeez. He must of been a fighting dog,” Tony says sadly. James realizes the dog is a pitbull, like the ones Peter was talking about, and he feels a surge of anger. Hearing Peter talk about pit fighting was one thing, but seeing it in person is eye opening. The dog bears the scars of numerous scratches and bites and the end of his tail looks like it’s been bitten off. 

“I’d be careful with him,” T’Challa offers. 

“Yeah, he’s a pit. If he bites someone, there’s a chance they’ll put him down with no questions asked,” Tony says. 

The dog hasn’t moved, but it’s not growling either, so James takes the chance and places his fingers near the cage. 

“Hey there,” James coos softly. The dog’s cropped ears twitch. “I know what it’s like to be a tool. Made to fight and forced to win. I’m scarred too. We’re just two souls, lost and forsaken, wandering around blindly as we wait for the next blow to land. But if you come home with me, no one will ever hit you again. I promise you.”

The dog stares at him and James makes sure his posture is nonthreatening. After a couple of minutes, the dog scoots closer. It inches closer bit by bit until it’s nose is by James’ hand. 

“Uh, sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” a staff member is saying, uneasily shifting. James doesn’t move, but speaks to her. 

“What’s his story?” he asks. 

“He was brought in nearly a month ago from a fighting ring break up and he hasn’t finished his classes. There’s worry that he can still be aggressive and he’s not ready for adoption,” the young girl is twisting her hands now as she talks. As if she expects James to react badly to the news. 

“How long before he can be adopted?” Tony asks. She looks to him. 

“It depends on Marissa. She has the final say.”

“Has he attacked anyone?” T’Challa asks next. The girl shakes her head. 

“No, but you never know with pits. Especially fighting ones. He doesn’t let anyone touch him though. He growls at us and Marissa thinks he’s ready to bite.”

“Does that look like he’s gonna bite?” Tony asks, waving a hand at James and the dog. The dog is now sniffing James’ fingers. His tail relaxes just the tiniest amount and he gives a tentative lick. The girl’s eyes are wide. “Who is this Marissa?”

“She’s the behaviorist. She’s in the back now with another dog.”

“May you please fetch her? I think the dog is ready,” T’Challa says kindly. The girl nods and slips away. 

James lets his fingers drift closer and the dog holds still to allow him to stroke his neck. James looks up at Tony and T’Challa, unaware of how broadly he’s smiling. 

“Just be careful,” Tony says, grinning back. James nods, serious now. 

“He just needs a helping hand. Like me,” he says, meeting Tony’s eyes. 

Tony doesn’t get a chance to say anything because the girl is back with a woman and a man. The woman looks annoyed, but the man is smiling at the group, which widens as the two teens reappear and coo at the dogs. Thor joins them as Visha follows the teens. 

“Hey, I’m Chuck, owner of the shelter,” the man says, shaking hands with everyone. He makes no comment about James’ metal hand, which he used since his flesh fingers are still touching the dog’s neck. The woman’s nose wrinkles, though, when she sees it. 

“You can’t adopt Hulk. He’s still too dangerous,” the woman says in a snappy tone. Tony’s eyes narrow at the name, but Chuck frowns. 

“Marissa, I thought I said we weren’t naming him Hulk. I specifically said I wanted a different name,” he said. She just shrugged.

“I don’t see why. It fits him,” she said. 

“How?” James asks before Tony. She looks down at him and flips her brown hair over her shoulder. 

“He’s got a temper. Always growling and barking at people and other dogs. He’s a hassle to walk because he has to go by himself and only for short times,” she said. 

“So you name him after a kind and peaceful man who had an unfortunate accident?” Thor asks, his voice low. 

“No. Did you hear Bruce Banner? I named him after a mindless beast who would rather tear the place to the ground than sit peacefully.” Marissa’s eyes are narrowed as she squares off with Thor, the top of her head barely reaching his chest. 

“We’re taking him,” Tony cuts in, his face dark and angry. “And before you say anything else, please keep in mind there are two official Avengers right here and three unofficial. Say one more thing about Bruce. Please.” 

James reluctantly removes his fingers from the dog’s neck and stands, touching Tony’s arm to get his attention. He shakes his head as Tony looks at him. Tony still looks angry, but nods and backs down, allowing James to face the woman. Before he can say anything, Chuck speaks up. 

“You know, I put up with a lot of your shit just because you’re really good at your job. But you just stepped over a line. I told you, the day I hired you, that I wasn’t gonna tolerate nasty bullshit, but you seem to keep sprouting it. You’re fired, get out of here,” he said, his face similar to Tony’s own. Marissa started to protest, but Chuck just deepened his voice. “Now.”

She huffed and left, shoving past the girl. Chuck grimaced and wiped a hand down his face. 

“I’m so incredibly sorry about that. You know what, just take the dog. I know who you guys are, I know he’ll be in good hands. Don’t worry about paperwork or the fee,” he said, now sounding tired. James frowned and spoke up.

“You don’t have to do us a favor just because an employee got rude. I can pay the fee,” he said. Chuck laughed.

“It’s not that. Again, I know who you guys are. Everyone knows Tony Stark and Prince T’Challa and Thor. And you have that look of a soldier suffering. This dog’s been through hell and back, and I reckon you did the same. I’m not about to stand between a connection like that,” Chuck said. “You’re the first person allowed to touch him and that says more than paperwork will. Let me do this.”

James wants to argue some more, but the dog whines, a low, soft sound. He turns back and sees the dog staring up at him. As soon as their eyes meet, the dog’s tail hesitantly wags, like he’s afraid of being punished for showing emotion. He inwardly sighs and nods, moving back so Chuck can open the cage. As Chuck moved closer, the dog’s tail stops and stills, watching Chuck warily. But he allows the man to put a leash on him and lead him out of the cage. Chuck hands it to James and he takes it, kneeling down again so he can properly pet him. 

“You’re not keeping Hulk as his name, right?” Tony asks. James shakes his head. 

“What about Fluffy?” Peter blurts out. Everyone looks at him and he blushes. “I-I just meant they’re both, uh, dangerous looking but soft and squishy inside. Like Fluffy off Harry Potter.”

James grins and turns to the dog again, gently rubbing where his ears had gotten chopped off. “You like that? You want Fluffy?” he asks. The dog wags his tail again and licks James’ hand. James surprises them both by burying his face on the dog’s neck, holding him close. Fluffy allows himself to wiggle in excitement and his bark is low and short. 

“Alright, we got a keeper, then,” Tony says with a grin. 

“Aye, Fluffy shall be a wonderful companion,” Thor agrees. 

“You will be able to heal each other,” T’Challa inputs. 

James looks up at them, his grin broad and bright. He misses their eyes softening at the sight and sees Okera trying to fight a smile. He looks at her and stands, leading Fluffy to the fierce woman. 

“Want to be the first to pet him, besides me?” he asks softly. Okera glances at T’Challa for permission and then lets Fluffy sniff her hand. She pats his head.

“Thank you,” she says, her accent more pronounced than Shuri or T’Challa. 

James nods and looks down at Fluffy. “Come on. Let’s begin a new life,” he says, leading him out of the room. 

“So, can I get some autographs?” he hears Chuck ask and James chuckles as he steps out into freedom.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, I made James worthy because in my mind, he is. Also, you'll notice in the next couple of chapters that it's not really brought up, even though it's a huge thing to everyone. that's for a reason that will get revealed soon. Also, please don't point out that Tony says " should of" instead of "should have". I did that on purpose too, as Tony isn't the kind of person who speaks formally like that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James tries Wanda's method to removing Hydra. Then, later on, he shares an intimate moment with Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I haven't updated in so long. Honestly, my only excuses are I just got promoted and then I lost my laptop charger. so yeah. On the bright side, I give you guys a little teaser at the end, so I hope im forgiven

James knew he was going to have some difficulties with the public, walking Fluffy around, but he’s uncomfortable by the outright hostile stares. The group was in a pet store now, picking up everything he needed, and mostly everyone was ignoring those around the group. James couldn’t though. He’s aware of every single stare, every whisper, every shiver. 

Fluffy, himself, is wary, but relaxed as he stands by James’ side. Every so often, he will nudge James’ hand as if reassuring him. James loves it and tries to relax as he picks out a collar. 

“What do you think? Nothing studded, nothing...red…” James quickly looks away from the dark red collar and tries to quiet his suddenly racing heart. Fluffy licks his flesh hand, bringing his attention away from the memories covered in blood. 

“How about this one?” Peter holds up a bright green one with darker green stripes. James takes it, examining it closely as he only wants the best for his new friend. He senses someone at his back and Fluffy nudges his hand, harder than before, alerting him. He turns as sees an employee, friendly smile in place. He inwardly sighs, too tired to deal with another rude person today. But the employee, a young man, doesn’t sneer or scoff at them. 

“Hey, guys, need help with anything today?” he asks, his voice cracking at least twice. 

“Nah, we got this,” Tony says, brushing the kid off. 

“Right…” The kid’s smile falls slightly and James finds himself comparing the wounded look to Peter’s.

“Which dog food do you recommend?” James blurts out. 

The kid looks a bit surprised, but quickly regains his footing. “Well, for a pit that size, you should try this,” he says, leading James and Fluffy over to the food section. He points out a couple of different brands and explains the pros and cons of each. James listens intently, Fluffy sitting at his side. He’s aware of the others watching him, and glances over. He sees Thor and T’Challa smiling and there is something soft in Tony’s eyes. Peter and Shuri are gone, presumably to coo at another dog that had just walked in. 

With the help of the young man, James found everything quickly and soon they were on their way back to the tower. His hand unintentionally tightens on Fluffy’s leash when they walk into the common room, but Fluffy simply sits and looks up at him. James pats his head and begins to introduce the dog to everyone. There’s a tense moment when Lucky dashes in, but Fluffy just wags his tail twice and allows Lucky to sniff him. Lucky shows his excitement more vibrantly with his whole back end wagging and licking Fluffy’s scarred ears. 

“For such a mean looking dog, he’s a real sweetheart,” Kate says, giving him scratches. James nods. 

“Yeah, it’s almost like he’s already trained,” Sam adds. 

“What made you pick him?” Clint asks, genuinely curious. 

“He reminds me of myself,” James says softly. “We were both made into weapons, but we’re getting a second chance at everything. We just need a kind hand.” He looks down into Fluffy’s dark eyes and can’t help but smile. He doesn’t jump when a soft hand touches his right shoulder, but it’s close. He looks back up and gives Tony a smile, liking how the shorter man grins back. 

Maybe this was what he needed. HYDRA nearly decimated, surrounded by people who were kind to him, becoming friends with a kindred spirit. The voice agrees, but then is silent for a second. 

_ What’s going to happen to ruin our happiness?  _ It can’t help but wonder. He has no answer, but the voice doesn’t require one. 

* * *

 

The days pass quickly for the first time in James’ long life. He gets settled into the tower and even gets taken on that road trip that Tony promised. He got to see Jacob again and introduce him to Thor and Tony. He doesn’t take Steve yet, doesn’t want Jacob to be sad that James and Steve never got to get old. 

Nearly two weeks had passed before the subject of his brain got brought up again. It was right after he woke up from another nightmare. 

_ Blood everywhere. Bodies strewn across the floor. He had to find it. Had to find the little stick that carried information on his handlers. Had to destroy it.  _

_ Never question orders. _

_ He had taken out the whole traitor base. Or so he thought. A sound makes him turn. There’s a kid, a tiny little thing in a white gown, holding a gun too big for his tiny hands.  _

_ “Cease and desist. Asset42GB38.”  _

_ The kid lowers the gun. First mistake. The kid is dead before he takes another breath and the Asset lowers his own. Human experiments. Not uncommon in HYDRA. First time he’d seen one so young.  _

He had woken up screaming and clawing at his throat. After that, Thor had gotten into bed with him again and Wanda eased his mind for the night. It was James who approached her to make his head right.

So here they were, sitting on the floor across from each other in Wanda’s bedroom. She wanted a neutral place in case things went badly, James would have no bad memories the rest of the time. 

Vision was hovering behind Wanda, Steve and Sam near the door, and Thor sitting behind James. Thor’s thick thighs were bracketing James’ body and he feels safer as he knew Thor wouldn’t let him hurt anyone. Tony had wanted to be there, but James didn’t want him to see him in pain. 

“I do not know how much this will hurt,” Wanda says again. James nods, wishing he had Fluffy at his side. The dog was spending time with Tony and Peter while James did this, not taking any chances with the sweet creature. 

He watches as Wanda’s hands glow red and he grits his teeth, muscles tensing. 

_ Flashes of light and sound. Snatches of voices. One voice.  _

_ “Prep him.” Handler Pierce.  _

_ “He’s been out of cryo-freeze too long.” _

_ “Then wipe him and start over.” _

_ Pain. More pain. Never ending pain. He screams and thrashes. Then a new voice.  _

_ “James. It’s okay. I’m here.” _

_ He looks around. He’s dropped into the middle of a memory. He sees himself, strapped down and shocked over and over again. But he looks down and sees his body, watching the whole thing. There is movement and he looks over and sees a girl with brown hair.  _

_ “Wanda. Remember, James?” she prompts. “This is your most recent memory of HYDRA’s pain.” _

_ “It hurts,” he says, his voice breaking.  _

_ “I tried to warn you. Do you want to stop?” she asks.  _

_ No. The word is out of his mouth before he can think. To stop means he doesn’t get fixed. Means more panic attacks. Means people could get hurt.  _

_ She frowns, but nods. More flashes. More pain. He can’t help it and screams again. He distantly hears a second voice screaming. His? No, different. But the same. They scream in tandem and then… _

_ Nothing.  _

James wakes with a gasp, back bowing. Strong arms are locked around him, stopping him from shredding his clothes as he tries to remove his shirt from around his throat. 

“James! James, it’s okay!” A voice is near him. He becomes aware he’s screaming in real life and abruptly stops, the silence ringing out. He looks around and sees Tony’s concerned eyes, too close for comfort. He doesn’t want to hurt Tony. 

His breath is ragged as he struggles for air. As he becomes aware of his surroundings, he realizes Thor has his arms locked around him and Tony is kneeling beside them. Wanda is quietly sobbing in Vision’s arms as Steve and Sam look grim. His heart sinks as he sees Peter peeking around the open door, his face concerned and worried. 

He can’t stop the sobs though. He turns in Thor’s arms and buries his face in the god’s soft shirt. He failed. He didn’t want to stop, but he didn’t know it would hurt Wanda too. He can’t put such an innocent soul through everything that he went through. 

_ You were innocent too,  _ the voice says.  _ We were innocent. _

Not innocent enough. From the moment he had gotten drafted into that damn war, his soul was lost and damned to blood and pain.

He jerks when callused fingers rub his back, slipping under his shirt to touch his bare skin. He recognizes Tony’s fingers and feels Thor’s rubbing his arms. 

“We can’t do that again,” he whispers. He feels sick and starts struggling against Tony and Thor. Both of them let go instantly and he shoots to his feet, running from the room. He can’t handle the elevator right now so he bolts to the stairs and takes them two at a time to his floor. His stomach is rolling and he’s nearly not fast enough. But he bursts onto his floor and straight to his bathroom. He vomits violently, shaking and shivering. He gasps in a breath and vomits again. Two years of not being brainwashed has made him soft and reliving the pain was too much. 

He finally settles, laying down and resting his sweaty forehead against the cool tile. He starts crying again, silently. He just wants to be healed. He just wants to be free of pain. He thought Wanda was the answer, but neither of them were prepared for the truth. 

He’s not sure if he cried himself to sleep or passed out, but he wakes again some time later, the room much darker than before. He slowly sits up and takes stock of his body. His stomach has settled, but it feels empty now. He can still only manage half meals, barely filling out. He’s not too skinny, the serum makes sure of it, but it just makes him look worn down.

He feels Fluffy before he sees him, a cold nose nudging his flesh hand. He rubs Fluffy’s head and the dog whines, a low, soft sound. Fluffy had become efficient in dealing with panic attacks. He knew when to apply pressure to ground James and when to lick his hand to distract him. Sam had been the most impressed, having worked with service dogs before. 

“I’m sorry,” James whispers, lowering his head to touch Fluffy’s. The dog gives him a quick lick as James begins to stand. He walks into his main room and sees the clock reading nearly eight at night. “Miss Friday?” he asks. 

“Yes?” she answers, her disembodied voice a soothing balm. James had learned that she could always be counted on to be there when everyone else was gone. 

“Who’s awake?” he asks, expecting her to say everyone. He noticed that everyone tended to stay up late and wake up early. 

“Everyone is. Though young Peter had gone home already and Kate, Clint, and Natasha are on a date, I believe.”

He nods and heads to the elevator. “Who’s where?”

“Tony is in his lab, Steve and Sam are in their quarters, Scott and Thor are in the living room, Dr. Banner is-”

“Thank you. Sorry,” he adds when he realizes he cut her off. She takes no offense, not that he expected it.

He had meant to go to the living room to be with Thor for a while, but soon finds himself in front of the lab, watching Tony work. It’s like watching poetry in motion, the way Tony flits from one end to the other, tapping things and wielding a wrench like he was born with it in his hand. He nearly trips over one of his bots, but he just mutters under his breath and nudges the bot to the side. James walks inside and is unnoticed as Tony talks aloud. 

“How would that work? Vibranium isn’t a liquid. Is it?”

“I’m saying it  _ could  _ work. Obviously there are kinks to work out.” 

James realizes T’Challa is there in a hologram projection. The prince is talking just as animatedly as Tony and the two compare notes in holograph form. They are talking too fast for James to understand them, but Fluffy’s collar jingles, catching their attention. They both turn and Tony’s face breaks into a wide grin. T’Challa’s smile is more quiet, but his eyes hold a more pronounced twinkle. 

“Hey, Jame-Jame, you feeling better?” Tony asks, coming over to pet Fluffy. James nods, ducking his head to hide behind his hair. He wishes he had just went to Thor. At least with Thor, he knows where they stand, but he doesn’t know what to do with Tony’s not quite flirting. 

He clears his throat and asks, “is there anything I can do to help?” He sees T’Challa’s widened smile before Tony grins at him. 

“Sure, if you want. We need a model anyways and pretty boy won’t hold still long enough,” Tony says, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder at T’Challa, who now looks unimpressed. 

“You never even asked me, Tony,” he starts to say.

“Can you stand over here?” Tony asks, cutting over T’Challa. James allows himself to be moved and arranged to Tony’s liking. “Gorgeous. Now hold still. Please,” he adds with a grin. James feels his face heat up at Tony’s thrown compliment and holds still as Tony makes some holographic measurements. 

“For Bast’s sake, we are not adding flames,” T’Challa says suddenly, walking over and looking exasperated. 

“Shush. You’re not even technically here, so I can do whatever I want,” Tony says, waving a hand. T’Challa rolls his eyes, taps at the air for a few seconds and the hologram changes. “Okay, so can you, but flames would be amazing.”

“And unnecessary. He is a teenage boy, not a race car,” T’Challa gently scolds. James’ attention perks at that and he studies the hologram more carefully. It looks to be a suit, carefully molded to the body and decorated red and black. 

“Is this for Peter?” he asks. Tony nods. 

“It’s his birthday next month, which I’m sure you’re gonna hear about soon. I thought I’d update his suit for him,” Tony explains. James nods, and peers closer.

“If it’s meant to mold to his body, you need to fix the chest area. It’s too thick,” he says. Tony hesitates and T’Challa looks away. “What?”

“Nothing. Uh, Peter has a preference for it. That’s it,” Tony said. “So have you picked mew-mew up again recently?” 

James squints at him, aware that he was just changing the subject, but allows it. He doesn’t want to press. “A few times. I don’t wanna press my luck with  Mjölnir. I don’t wanna make her mad at me.” He’s not aware of how he sounds until the voice snorts in amusement and Tony and T’Challa grin. 

“That’s actually super sweet and I might have two cavities now,” Tony teases, nudging James slightly. 

“Tony,” T’Challa says, sounding exasperated. “Why must you ruin the moment?”

“It’s a talent,” Tony replies, waving a hand. “Also, how do you pronounce that?”

“I know a lot of languages,” James tells him, a frown pressing at the corners of his mouth. He doesn’t mention he only knows most of them because of HYDRA’s training and Tony doesn’t add more. 

A hologram beeps then, drawing their attention away from the suddenly fragile subject. Tony and T’Challa check it out and they break into large grins, Tony pumping a fist into the air. 

“Yes! I knew it would work!” he cheers. 

“You were the one who said it wouldn’t,” T’Challa points out, rolling his eyes in an amused manner. 

“Technicalities,” Tony says, waving his hand again. He loops his other arm around James’ shoulders and presses a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks again for being our model.” He hurries off then, grabbing holograms as he passes them. James is frozen in place, his cheeks heating up as he resists the urge to touch where Tony’s lips pressed. He catches T’Challa’s eyes and burns in embarrassment. 

“I g-gotta go. Um...good luck on your science stuff,” he stutters, stumbling over his words. He turns and runs out of the lab, Fluffy right by his side with Tony’s confused noises echoing behind him. His head is swimming with pleasant feelings and his body is thrumming under his skin. A few of Thor’s kisses had left him feeling like this, but no one else has ever done that. Not even in the twenties and thirties, as far as he can remember. He’s confused as to how a simple kiss, not even on the lips, is making him buzz with an unidentified feeling. 

He runs right into Thor, nearly colliding with the larger man’s unmovable chest. Thor automatically reaches out and places a steadying hand on James’ elbow. Fluffy stills, but doesn’t react other than to sit without being told

“James? Are you alright?” Thor asks, concern clouding his eyes. James nods, aware his face is still pink. 

“Yeah. Where are you headed?” he asks, mostly to change the subject. 

“I was actually looking for you. I wished to ask you if you wanted me to slumber next to you again to keep the nightmares away again,” Thor explained. Over the past weeks, Thor would occasionally sleep next to James, his presence seemed to keep the bad dreams away. On the nights Thor stayed away, James would wake covered in sweat and crying. 

James nods now, worried that the nightmares would be full force if he was alone after the session with Wanda earlier. Thor smiles and takes his hand, the three walking towards the elevators. James hasn’t gotten used to them yet, but it’s better if there is someone there with him. They get off on James’ floor and Fluffy looks up at James with a questioning look in his eyes. James smiles and nods, the dog taking off for his small, but growing, collection of toys. 

“It pleases me that Fluffy is so obedient without proper training,” Thor says, still holding James’ hand. 

“Sam says he’s never seen it before and that Fluffy is extra special,” James says, trying to keep the pride from his voice. He fails, but Thor just smiles and nods. 

“Extra special, indeed. You have found the perfect companion for yourself,” he says. He pauses, then pushes on. “You mustn’t consider today a failure. It may not have worked out, but now you know what to expect. You mustn’t give up.”

James’ smile falls. He doesn’t want to think about earlier. Doesn’t want to ruin his good feelings with those thoughts. Instead, he shocks both of them and kisses Thor, hard and desperate. 

James has never initiated the kisses before, but has always set the pace. Thor can tell when he wants to go slow or fast and he matches the energy. Thor tries to soften it now, to pull back in concern, but James clutches his shoulders and presses himself against the god’s body. Thor manages to break the kiss and places a hand on James’ jaw, rubbing the scruff that had gathered there. 

“James-”

“Please. I don’t want to think right now. Make me forget,” James whispers. Thor gives a small groan, but compiles, kissing him fiercely.

“Shall we retire to the bedroom?” Thor asks, leaving it up to James. They’ve always kissed on the couch, never in the bedroom, but James just remembers the pleasant buzzing from Tony’s innocent kiss and Thor’s less innocent ones and nods. Thor steps back and offers his hand again. James takes it and follows him into the room. Thor lets go and faces him again. 

“Change into night clothes first?” he asks. James starts to get frustrated. He just wants kissed until he can’t remember the pain from earlier, he doesn’t want all these questions. 

_ Don’t push yourself. He’s concerned about you and wants to make sure you actually want this,  _ the voice scolds. James flushes as he realizes Thor wants him comfortable and actually takes the time to think. 

“I-I don’t want to go all the way just yet,” he stammers, blushing bright red and looking down. “But I think I’ll be alright with touching. Um. Fully naked.” 

“And you’ll tell me to stop if you find yourself not liking it?” Thor presses. James nods, unable to meet his unwavering gaze. “Very well.” He gives a soft smile, reaching out and brushing his fingers along James’ stubble. 

James glances up as Thor’s fingers move away and his mouth goes dry as Thor just starts stripping with no care to his clothes. He drops them on the floor and is naked before James can even begin to move. 

_ Come on. Slowly now,  _ the voice urges. James listens and carefully slides each piece of clothing off and folds it neatly. He knows it amuses Thor when he does, a long ingrained habit built by his mother and strengthened by the army. 

He keeps his eyes on the floor when he’s finished, not wanting to see disappointment in Thor’s. But he hears Thor step closer and his thick fingers lift James’ head. His eyes are filled with wonderment and something that James can’t describe. Thor tucks a lock of hair behind James’ ear and hesitantly glides his fingers down his throat. 

“You take the lead, James,” Thor whispers. “I shall lay down and I’m yours to explore.” James blushes lightly as Thor does just that and lays on the bed. For a moment, James forgets to breathe. 

_ God indeed. If our god looked like that, I can’t wait to get to heaven,  _ the voice says, tinged with lust. James has to agree. 

Thor is so beautiful, laying against dark sheets with his golden hair spread out and his lightly tanned skin stretched over thick muscles. He doesn’t move as James lets his eyes roam downwards, steeling himself. He’s pretty sure the voice whimpers when James takes in the thick cock that’s straining towards Thor’s stomach. It’s long, thick and uncut, flushed a dark red. 

James licks his lips and tries not to cover himself as he moves towards the bed. He knows his own cock isn’t as thick, but it’s longer, nestled in dark curls. He holds his breath as his flesh fingers reach out shakily and touch Thor’s thigh. 

The voice has to guide him, but James listens intently and crawls up the bed until his eyes are even with Thor’s intense blue ones. His blue is a darker color than Steve’s, but clearer than James’ own smokey blue. He lightly touches Thor’s bicep, fingers trailing along the line of muscle, sweeping towards his chest. Thor gives a slight shiver beneath him and James jumps when a touch of static shocks him.

“My apologies,” Thor says, instantly guarded. 

“What was that?” James asks. He knows Thor was the god of lightning and thunder, but he thought Thor had to have his hammer to use his powers. 

“The hammer is a way to control my powers, but if my emotions get too loose, I can generate it on my skin,” Thor explains. 

_ In other words, we made him feel good,  _ the voice says, smug sounding. James’ eyes are wide at the knowledge that he made someone feel good. Maybe his hands aren’t just for terrible things. 

Testing it, he touches Thor’s abs, not yet brave enough to venture down yet. Instead, he goes up, gently touching one of Thor’s nipples. He feels a tiny shock again and this time he analyzes it. The shock feels pleasant, like a warm wave of energy. 

James has a sudden urge to feel the shock along his body, the voice quickly agreeing. 

“Can you touch me instead?” James asks. Thor smiles and nods, sitting up enough to rest on one elbow. James lays on his back, his metal arm twisted away from his body. He doesn’t want the monstrosity to interfere with good feelings. 

Thor is more bold in his touchings, but still hesitant, watching James’ face to gauge reactions. James hums lightly when that warm feeling trails after Thor’s fingers. He gasps when Thor lightly rolls a nipple between his fingers. He squirms in excitement when Thor’s hand gets dangerously close to his cock, but never touching. 

“How do you feel, James?” Thor asks a few times, always checking in to make sure James is enjoying it. The voice is practically purring and it spurs James on to blurt out a request. 

“Can you use more power?” He wants that warm feeling ingrained into his memories, wants to connect it to good times instead of electric mind wipes. 

“How much more?” Thor asks, his voice gentle. 

“N-Not too much more. I don’t want it to hurt,” James says. Thor nods and James gasps loudly as a sharp zing of electricity warms his chest. His cock gets even harder and his hips rock upwards on their own account. 

“I’m assuming you liked that, James?” Thor’s deep voice rumbles. James is frantically nodding. “Where do you want to feel my fingers next? Or should I use my tongue?”

The voice is shouting at him, but he can’t concentrate. As soon as Thor says that, James is reaching for him. He pauses, he’s reaching with his metal arm, but Thor just laces his fingers together with James’ and arches a brow. James has to swallow past a heavy tongue, but pushes on. 

“Touch me there, please,” he begs. His metal hand guides Thor’s towards his cock. He tenses, but relaxes as soon as Thor runs a finger from the tip to the base. James is slightly dizzy with pleasure and Thor hadn’t even done anything extreme yet. 

“Do you like my touches, James? Like my powers caressing you? If you were ready for it, I’d make it to where you couldn’t plug something in without thinking of me,” Thor says, his voice even deeper. James shivers and a whimper claws its way out of his throat. “Easy, there’s a good boy.”

And with just those two words, James is lost. His metal fingers clench around Thor’s, forcing him to grip James’ cock, but not too tightly. His back arches and he hears Thor chuckle. 

“You like that? You like when I call you a good boy? My sweet James, I will praise you as often as you need it. Such a sweet, good little boy.”

James whimpers again, his hips jerking once more. Thor slightly tightens his grip and moves his hand up to the tip. The physical feeling, coupled with the warm buzzing of electricity, is becoming too much for James. He whines, low and long, clutching onto Thor’s broad shoulders. 

“You are so beautiful, James. Such a sweet boy, desperate to please others. Let me please you now. Let yourself just feel and don’t think,” Thor says, moving his fist back down James’ cock. James whines again as Thor moves away from his hands, but gasps as a velvety soft tongue traces the vein on the underside. His flesh hand flies down to clutch onto Thor’s hair as his metal one clutches the pillow beneath his head to avoid hurting Thor. 

He’s not going to last long. James knows this as Thor wraps his mouth around James and takes him deep. He’d been too long without human contact and Thor was making him feel so good. 

“Thor...I’m…” He can’t even say it without stammering and blushing. Thor pulls off long enough to look up into his eyes. 

“Be a good boy and let me swallow you down,” he says, causing James’ blush to deepen. But he wants to be good for Thor, so he nods and Thor goes back down. His mouth is warm and tingly with tiny shocks. James bucks his hips on accident, but Thor just takes it. 

James’ whole body tightens and he whines, low and long, as he spills himself into Thor’s mouth. Thor swallows it all, licking him clean and looking up at him. 

“Gah…” James can’t even formulate words and Thor chuckles again. 

“I think that’s enough excitement for one night. I don’t want to push too hard,” Thor says, crawling back up the bed. 

“What about you?” James tries asking, but only gets halfway. Thor still understands him though. 

“Giving you pleasure was enough for me. Let us sleep now in each other’s arms,” he says, gathering James close. It’s the first time their bodies have touched while being naked and James rather likes the warmth Thor gives off. He thinks about putting up a fight, he wants to touch Thor again, but his eyes are closing on their own accord. 

“Sleep well, my sweet boy,” Thor whispers. James smiles and snuggles into Thor’s chest. 

He’s asleep within minutes .


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James visits his sisters and learns some devastating news. He's taken away and a new horror begins

“Every time I see you, it’s like we’re children again,” Becca says, a sad smile on her face. James gives a tiny smile back, aware that he hasn’t changed from before the war while his sisters sit stooped with age and lined with wrinkles.

Winnie is holding his hand, her hand small and frail in his giant grip. He’s sitting between them, Steve across from the couch they’re on. It’s just the four of them, everyone else saying they needed the time alone. James is glad since Winnie bursts into tears when they first walk in. 

“Do you even age?” Winnie asks, looking between him and Steve. 

“I think so?” James says. “I haven’t had enough time to check.”

“I do, just kinda slower than you guys,” Steve answers. 

The girls nod in unison, then Becca’s smile turns more sly. James is reminded of the past when his sisters would often get him into trouble with their parents. 

“So, Jamie, what’s it like living in a tower filled with attractive people?” she asks, making Winnie snort and nod. Steve smiles and leans back in the chair, obviously not coming to James’ rescue. 

He sputters, not quite sure how to respond. The voice is snickering at him. It’s always more happy when they visit Becca and Winnie, always reminiscing memories they bring up. 

“Have things progressed more with Thor?” Winnie asks, her head tilting. Becca smirks when James’ cheeks heat up.

“I’m guessing so,” she teases. 

“But not just Thor, right?” Winnie presses, shoulder bumping James. “You’ve got Tony and Prince-”

“He’s just with Thor,” Steve interrupts, a tiny frown on his face. Becca and Winnie look over at him, frowning as well. 

“Drat! The curses of being old. Steve, darling, will you walk me to the bathroom?” Winnie asks. Steve is now confused, knowing there’s people working in the retirement home that is more than capable of helping, but he’d never refuse Winnie anything. They leave and Becca turns her frown to James. 

“He’s not very tolerant, is he?” she asks. His first instinct is to deny it, to defend him, but Becca’s eyes dare him to lie to her. He sighs. 

“Not really. He never says anything to Clint, Nat, or Kate, but he knows they’d kick his ass. He’s fine with Thor and I, but when Tony starts flirting or T’Challa stands too close to me, he’s pissy and basically tells them to back off,” he reveals, thinking of the last couple weeks. “T’Challa said he was going to invite me to one of his dad’s speeches of the accords today, but Steve told him we were visiting you.”

Becca’s frown gets more pronounced. “James, you’ve got to stand up to him. I get it. He’s your connection to a simpler life, but you’re never getting those years back,” she says, grabbing both his hands. The metal arm had freaked them out at first, but now they treat it like it’s a part of him. “Steve seems stuck in the past. Yeah, he’s cool with gays and lesbians and others, but he’s not cool with poly groups. And that’s not fair to you. Or any of your guys.”

“He’s just worried. Looking out for me,” James said. 

_ Is he? Or is he trying to control you like the others?  _ the voice asks. He tells it to hush. 

“It seems like he’s more worried about losing you than anything. You’ve came here three times since you realized we were still alive, Steve’s came all three times too.” Becca sighs now. “Why haven’t you taken him to meet Jacob yet?” 

James freezes. He regrets telling her about Jacob, but also understands her point. He doesn’t want Jacob to regret what happened to James, but also a tiny part of him knows that Jacob is probably the only one still alive who knows how Steve was in the war. To land in the ice and defrosted right before another war, granted an alien war, Steve wasn’t given much of a chance to settle into the future.

_ But neither were you and look at you now,  _ the voice says. 

“Guys!” Steve says, running back into the room, a worried look on his face. “Turn the news on now.”

* * *

 

Nearly everyone dead. Including King T’Chaka. 

James and Steve had said hasty goodbyes to Winnie and Becca, who understood. They rushed back to the tower and found all the Avengers, minus the prince and Natasha, gathered in the living room. 

Tony looks up when they enter, his dark eyes heavy. “Hey, I’m assuming you heard what just happened?”

“Anyone know what happened?” Steve asks, receiving negative answers. 

“Supposedly they’re getting information and are going to reveal it in a few minutes,” Clint says, jerking his thumb at the female reporter on the tv. He’s got an arm tight around Kate, who looks like she’s been crying. “Nat texted us. T’Challa and her are safe, but he’s grieving hard right now.”

“Where’s Shuri?” James asks, his mind on the teenager. It’s Peter who answers, his eyes red rimmed and puffy. 

“At the hotel with her guard. She’s not allowed to leave until T’Challa or her mom gets there,” he says. James nods, happy she’s safe. 

_ Something’s not right about this, _ the voice says. For the first time since James can remember, the voice sounds scared. 

What is it? he wonders. The voice doesn’t answer but there’s a heavy feeling in James’ stomach. 

“We’re getting reports from the security cameras,” the reporter says loudly, drawing everyone’s attention. “The perpetrator caught on camera will likely be facing a death penalty.” She continued on for a bit more, then an image popped up on the screen. It’s blurry and the figure is covered in all black, a tiny portion of their face visible. 

“We’re getting word that the suspect is none other than James Buchanan Barnes, otherwise known as the Winter Soldier,” the reporter said, causing everyone to freeze up and look towards James, who can’t move or think. “In the files leaked just a couple years ago, Barnes was credited with over 70 deaths, including-”

James stumbles away, feeling sick. The voice is screaming distantly, drowned out by his own mental screams. The reporter continues, listing every thing he’s ever done under HYDRA’s influence, as everyone starts speaking at once. He can’t listen, he only hears his heartbeat in his ears, pounding away as he starts gasping for breath. 

He’s not aware of Fluffy barking and getting attention as James trips over something and stumbles to the ground. His throat is burning and his eyes clench shut. 

And then there’s hands touching him. He flinches away, but is brought back to himself. His throat burns because he’s been screaming out loud and his flesh hand is tangled into his hair. He stops screaming and looks desperately up at Tony, who’s the one who was brave enough to try and touch him. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Tony says, his voice soft as he comes closer. “We know it wasn’t you, we can prove it. Just calm down.” His voice stays soft as he hesitantly touches James’ shoulder. 

“What if it was me? What if I had a relapse and killed all those people? Oh god! What if I killed T’Challa’s dad? He’s never going to ever look at me and smile again!” James cries hysterically. 

“James!” Steve’s voice is stern, but concerned. It’s enough to loosen James’ constricted chest and take a few breaths. Steve will fix this. He has to.  “You weren’t even there. You’ve been with me this entire time. Your sisters’ home has your signature in their guest book. Someone is probably trying to frame you.”

“Lord knows you have enough enemies, even if you did dismantle HYDRA,” Kate says, her voice shaking. 

“And like anyone’s gonna tell Cap that he’s lying,” Scott adds. 

“They will though,” Tony says, kneeling down next to James. “I know exactly what they’re gonna say. That Steve’s just trying to protect him. Friday, gather any and all footage throughout the city cameras that show where James has been for the last 48 hours. No, 72, just in case. And get Pepper on the phone.”

Thor kneels down next to him too, tucking a strand of hair behind James’ ear. “We will figure this out, James, and bring down our wrath on those who oppose you,” he promises. 

“The first thing we figure out is if it’s one person or more,” Bruce muses. 

Everyone tosses ideas and theories around, but James isn’t listening to them. He should have expected this to happen. Everything had been quiet and good, of course something like this happened. 

“Stop it,” Tony whispers, reaching for his metal hand and twining their fingers together. “I see you judging yourself. If Mole-mir still accepts you, then the world will soon see it.”

“Mjölnir,” he corrects automatically, making Thor and Tony chuckle. 

_ Something’s coming!  _ the voice screams. James jumps up, ready to flee at the first sign of trouble. Everyone tenses as he moves, unsure of what was happening. He wasn’t sure himself, but he trusts the voice. 

“Sir, there are armed forces surrounding the tower,” Friday says, her voice slightly risen. 

“We’ll fight them,” Steve says, his jaw set and his feet spread slightly. Tony shakes his head, looking frustrated. 

“We can’t. They’ll think he’s even more guilty,” he points out. He turns to James and gently places his hands on his face. “James, no matter what happens, just remember we’re fighting for you in the way we can. We have to let them take you so we can prove your innocence, but I swear over my dead body it won’t take long and you’ll be free soon,” he promises. James is shaking, but he nods. 

_ Kiss him! Who knows what’s going to happen to us! Kiss him and kiss Thor like we’re never going to see them again,  _ the voice says. James hears voices in the hallways and knows the voice is right. He places his own hands on Tony’s face and pulls him in. 

Tony’s facial hair is soft and his lips are even softer as James kisses him like he’s drowning and Tony will provide the air he needs. Tony is shocked at first, but quickly recovers and kisses back hard, clutching onto James. The footsteps near the living room and James pulls away, turning to Thor, who’s already stepping forward. 

Their kiss is just as passionate, just as needy as it’s James’ turn to clutch onto someone. Thor kisses him deeply and pulls back enough to look into his eyes. 

“Think of us. Keep your strength,” Thor says. James nods as guards burst into the room, heavily armed and holding plastic shields. 

“Everyone on the ground now!” one yells. Everyone puts their hands up and kneels except for James. He places his hands behind his head and faces the guards.

“On the ground!” another yells. 

“Just arrest me!” James says, pleading to just get this over with. One of the guards comes up behind him and kicks the back of his knees. James grunts as he falls to his knees, hands still behind his head. 

“Hey! Chill out!” Peter says, getting to his feet instantly. The guard who kicked James turns and shoves Peter, causing the kid to stumble and fall. James is on his feet before he realizes it and grabbing the guard’s hand. The voice screams at him but James is just thinking of protecting Peter. 

The guard lashes out and drives the butt of his gun into James’ face, breaking his nose and causing blood to gush out. It doesn’t even phase James as he stares the guard down.

“He’s a teenager. Arrest me like you came to do, but don’t ever put your hands on him again,” James says steadily. The guard is visibly sweating and shaking. “I’m not going to fight, I’m not going to struggle. Lead me away in cuffs, or whatever you have, but do not touch anyone else.”

“Easy, James,” Tony says quietly, his eyes worried. 

The first guard who spoke steps forward, keeping an eye on James intently. When James doesn’t move again, he takes out reinforced cuffs and puts them on. Everyone in the room knows James can escape if he wants to, but he allows the guards to lead him away while one recites his rights. His nose is healed by now, but there’s still blood everywhere, making him look dangerous. 

They lead him out of the tower and into an armed vehicle. As James is driven away, the voice is silent, then it speaks up. 

_ I don’t trust this. Who was the actual bomber?  _ it wonders. James has no answer and they continue on in silence.

* * *

 

James loses track of time. From the moment he steps foot outside the van, he’s beaten and dragged and drugged. His head swims and his vision blurs as they inject enough tranquil in him to kill a regular human. He’s vaguely aware of being locked into place on a steel chair with steel cuffs to pin down his arms and legs. He’s not all there when the chair is placed in a cage with a steel door and reinforced walls.  

He disconnects for a while, his head swimming with thoughts of Tony and Thor and T’Challa. He absently wonders how the prince is doing and if Shuri was okay. Then he thinks of Peter, grabbing his chest when the guard pushed him. He wonders why when the guard had shoved him from higher up, near the collarbone. Then, within the space of seconds, he snaps back to himself. 

_ About time. I’ve been trying to talk to you for five hours now,  _ the voice says tiredly. Five hours?  _ Yeah. That’s how long it’s been. No one’s checked on us, so there has to be cameras everywhere.  _

His head hurts and it’s too close to how it feels when HYDRA unfroze him for comfort. He flexes his hands and tries to stretch his legs out, but realizes his ankles are locked to the chair as well. He sighs. He just wants to stretch but he can’t. 

He tries to distract himself and begins wondering how the voice seems to know so much when it’s trapped in his head. 

_ I’m not sure myself. Like I’ve said before though, we’re connected, but I’m also kinda separate,  _ it says. James’ head hurts too much to figure it out, so he gives up trying. Then they hear a door open.

James’ eyes snap to the side and he sees an unassuming man walking towards the cage. He doesn’t look like much, more like someone who is capable of blending in due to how average they look. 

_ Danger _ ! the voice screams. How? he wonders, but the voice doesn’t answer him. The man walks up and stands in front of the cage. 

“Mission report, December 16th, 1991,” he says. James tilts his head in confusion.

_ Oh god! Danger! This is very bad!  _ The voice is screaming now, endlessly. 

“What?” James asks.

_ No! Don’t engage! Tune him out! He’s HYDRA! _

The man doesn’t look like much, but that doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous. James does his best to tune out his voice. 

“Mission report, December 16th, 1991,” the man repeats. James thinks of Thor’s kisses to try and drown the man out. “I don’t have much time and you are testing my patience,” the man warns. James thinks of Tony. “Very well.”

**“Longing.”**

_ Stop! Don’t listen! Stop it! _

His head is pounding now as the man continues in Russian and the voice screams helplessly. 

**“Rusted”**

James shakes his head, trying to avoid listening. He focuses on the voice, tries to think of Thor and Tony and T’Challa. Especially T’Challa. He just lost his father and everyone thinks it was James.

**“Seventeen.”**

**_James is back in his handler’s icy grip. They’re holding a red book with a black star on it and they’re writing in it. Everything they know about their creation and about the words designed to activate him._ **

_ Stop...please… _

**“Daybreak.”**

**_Each word had a meaning. The voice that sometimes spoke was sure of it. Each word spoken had a connection, but they couldn’t figure it out._ **

_ James...stop listening...please….. _

Thor. Tony. T’Challa. Peter. Steve. Steve…..Help.

**“Furnace.”**

**_He’s lost all feeling. He’s ice now, made of shadows and pain. He knows only his handlers. He obeys any and all orders._ **

Help him. He’s losing control.

**“Nine.”**

**_No survivors. That’s his main order. Any and all missions are to have no survivors. He obeys any and all orders._ **

_ I’m...losing hold...James...you have to fight him. I’m going away… _

**“Benign.”**

**_One of his handlers steps into his line of sight. He’s got black hair and glasses and a mustache. He knows his name. Howard Stark. He’s followed him before. Tortured into working for them. Wife threatened unless he did so._ **

His muscles lock up. He’s almost lost completely. Help…

**“Homecoming.”**

**_They fear Howard. Not because he’s powerful, but because he knows too much. He’s given a new order. Kill the Starks. They must be put down. Protect HYDRA._ **

_ Fight...him….I’m so tired… _

**“One.”**

**_No survivors._ **

His mind is blank now. He gives one last struggle. He tries to think of someone. Their name escapes him. He can only picture blond hair. Perfectly groomed black hair around a mouth. Dark silky skin. No names. 

**“Freight car.”**

**_No survivors._ **

No survivors.

**“Ready to comply,”** he says. He thinks of nothing now. He awaits his orders. He is ice and shadows and pain.  ****

He will leave no survivors.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. it had to happen though so certain events can happen. please don't hate me


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James takes the fall for the Winter Solider and Tony learns an unforgivable truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm taking a small break from this story for the moment. I watched endgame and my heart hurts too much to write about happy Avengers right now. It wont be a long break, but I don't want to give you guys a subpar story cuz my hearts not in it. I promise ill be back though with more James soon

He gives his mission report and awaits more orders. He doesn’t have to wait for long. 

“Kill everyone in this place. They’re all enemies, but they will claim to be on your side. Don’t listen to them,” his handler says. He nods. He has his orders now. 

He easily breaks through the steel holding him down. His handler moves to the side and he punches the door right off the cage. He climbs through and rolls his shoulders back. 

“No survivors,” he says. His main order. The important one. 

“Make sure you kill the ones called the Avengers. They’re the powered ones. Watch for the girl in red. She will get in your head. Kill her first.”

He nods again. He has his new orders. He heads out.

The building is dark with red alarms going off. But the dark doesn’t bother him. He can easily see the armed guards running towards him. He uses his metal hand to deflect the bullets and starts running towards them. He breaks the first few, snapping necks and punching through ribs. He takes two guns and uses them on the rest, spraying them with bullets. They fall like they’re puppets whos strings have been cut. 

He mows down the guards with grace and skill. But he hears something. A mechanical whir. He ducks and spins as a blast comes from behind him. There’s a metal suit flying, aiming at him. 

“James! Stand down! What are you doing?” the suit questions in a panicked voice. He snarls and uses the guns. They do nothing to the suit. This must be an Avenger. 

“James!” Another voice. He bends backwards to avoid a flying shield that grazes his chest. He’s seen that shield before. He turns and meets Captain America’s wide eyes with a blank stare. “He’s gone Winter mode!” Captain America yells, a finger to his ears. 

“We can’t hurt him!” This voice is young. He turns, even as he avoids another blast and points the gun at a slight body in a red and black suit.

“Peter! Fall back! He doesn’t know you right now!” the metal suit says. The small red and black suit dodges all his bullets with ease and a web shoots out, vaulting him to the ceiling. 

A man with wings lands a lucky punch as his attention is diverted. He’s seen him before too. He’s ripped those wings off. He’ll do it again. 

But he doesn't have his own suit. He reaches for weapons that aren’t there, instead it’s a soft hoodie and worn jeans. He’s improvised before. He can do it again. He turns and kicks a table, using it as a shield when more guards shoot at him. 

“Stop shooting! You can’t kill him!” the red and black suit screams. 

He grunts as there’s a sharp pain in his side. Glancing down he sees he’s been cut with an arrow. He grabs the arrow from where it stuck to the table and looks up. There’s a blond man with a bow. He hurls the arrow back with accuracy and nearly knocks the man down, but the man is too quick to catch it. 

His heightened senses catch a black suit flipping towards him and he jabs the butt of the gun towards the Black Widow, who flips away. She jumps and wraps her thighs around his head, trying hard to knock him down. He stumbles as the shield catches his knees, but he manages to release himself from her grip. He throws her and hears her grunt as she lands hard on a table. 

A hammer flies by his face and he spins once more to face another blonde man. 

“James! You must remember us! We don’t want to hurt you!” he says, his blue eyes wide and open. He scowls and tries to grab the hammer as it flies back. He’s yanked off his feet and quickly lets go, rolling into a ball to avoid another blast. 

“Shit, he’s really gone! He can’t even pick the hammer up anymore!” the red and black suit exclaims. 

“Language!” Captain America snaps, giving up on the shield and running towards him. The two meet in a clash of strength and grace. He tries to gain the upper hand, but a distant memory surfaces. He couldn’t win before. He’s fought Captain America before and lost. 

Then he sees a girl in red. He remembers his orders. He shoves Captain America away and dodges as he runs towards her. Her hands glow red and suddenly he’s pelted with debris. He grits his teeth and continues. 

“I’m sorry, James,” she says before crossing her arms and sweeping them out, away from her body. His legs jerk out from underneath him and he crashes to the ground. He’s pinned by red mist and he starts struggling. 

_ “James. You must remember.”  _ He hears her voice, but her lips don’t move.  _ “Where’s your voice? He sometimes breaks through to you.” _

Voice? She is playing with his mind. He grunts and struggles harder. All the Avengers gather around him. The red and black suit kneels near his face.

“James, you’ve become part of our group. Fluffy needs you. Please come back to us.” The red and black suit sounds like he’s close to crying. 

He feels the mist in his head, searching for something. He shakes his head violently and the red and black suit stumbles back. 

“Kid, keep away from him,” the metal suit says quietly. 

_ Snap out of it! This isn’t us!  _

There’s a new voice in his head. One he’s heard before throughout his years of being a weapon. It’s the voice that always sounds sad. He pauses, actually shocked enough to quit fighting. Did the girl in red bring back the voice?

_ Yes. She found me in a void that the words had thrown me in. She knows about me. But you gotta snap out of this. You almost hurt Tony and Thor! You almost hurt Peter! _

His orders. No survivors. Kill the Avengers. 

_ You fucking idiot! You’re a goddamned Avenger now basically! That man was HYDRA! Remember how you destroyed HYDRA? You’re in love with three Avengers! _

He’s almost certain that if the voice had a body, he’d be slapping him at this point. It’s enough to make him pause. 

“James?” the long-haired blond man asks, stepping forward. More guards surround them, guns trained on him, but none shoot. 

“He’s slowly returning,” the girl in red says. “He’s struggling against his conditioning right now.”

“James, come back to us,” the metal suit says, the headplate sliding back to reveal a face with perfectly groomed black hair around a mouth.

_ Tony! Help us! _

“Stop it,” he whispers, shaking his head. Everything hurt and his bones feels like they weigh a ton. 

“Wanda, let him up,” Captain America says quietly. The mist disappeared. It’s a trick. They’re going to grab him as soon as he stands. 

_ No tricks. Just snap out of it,  _ the voice pleads. 

He risks enough to curl up and clutch his head. It hurts. Everything hurts. 

“James, come on. We can help you,” the red and black suit says, coming forward. A guard grabs his wrist and the red and black suit looks at him. 

He moves too fast for anyone to stop him. One second he’s on the ground, the next he’s barreling into the guard, pinning him to the ground. He hears guns cocking and Captain America barking orders, but he doesn’t listen as he stares into the fearful eyes of the pinned guard. 

“Don’t touch him,” he snarls. Why is he defending the red and black suit?

_ Peter. Remember his name? _

Peter. He gets a flash of a teenager with wide eyes and a wider grin. He remembers. 

The guard isn’t breathing until James stands and staggers. He remembers everything now. He looks around in horror. There are bodies everywhere. All because of him. 

_ Because of that HYDRA agent,  _ the voice corrects. 

“Peter,” he chokes out. Peter ignores Tony and Steve cautioning him and throws himself into James’ arms. 

“I thought we lost you for good!” the teen cries, clutching onto him. James holds him close and starts sobbing into Peter’s hair. As soon as he starts crying, the other Avengers all back down and relax as much as they can, surrounded by guards who were waiting on orders to shoot. 

There’s a commotion and everyone turns towards a hallway. There’s a man in a black suit that resembles a cat dragging the man that activated James. The man isn’t being kind, not caring if the HYDRA agent bumps into things or stumbles. The man throws the agent at the feet of three guards.

“Tie him up. He’s got explaining to do,” the man in the cat suit says, drawing James’ attention to the accent. He doesn’t realize he’s staring until the man looks at him and reaches up to remove the mask. 

“T’Challa?” James is confused. He knows T’Challa hangs out with the Avengers, but he didn’t think he had powers. Then he remembers what the voice had said. Three Avengers. How did it know before him?

The voice starts to speak but there’s a sharp prick of pain and James slaps a hand to the side of his neck. He feels the dart and tries to take it out, but his hand feels heavy. 

“James!” Tony is there first, catching him as his legs give out. He feels another prick. “That’s enough!”

“I’m sorry…” James struggles to say. “I deserve...this…”

_ “No, James. You don’t deserve any of this,”  _ Wanda says into his mind. He attempts to look around for her, but his vision goes black. He’s out before anyone can say anything else. 

* * *

 

_ His heart feels lighter than the breeze that’s wrapped around them. His smile is warm and he laughs as Peter accidently throws the frisbee so hard it vanishes into the forest and Fluffy is confused as he tries to run and find it.  _

_ He’s sitting on warm ground, Thor’s broad chest supporting him and Tony’s slighter one leaning against him. T’Challa is wrestling with his cousin, the newly crowned king. N’Jakada wasn’t sure about the influx of white people, but soon got along great with them.  _

_ He turns his head and sees Shuri and Ramonda walking with a bald-headed woman. The woman looks both stern and happy as she shows the royal women some flowers along the trail.  _

_ James sighs contentedly as snuggles back against Thor’s chest, hugging Tony close. He’s got his boyfriends and friends surrounding him. Nothing can harm him now. _

Coming back to himself was a brutal wake up call. Gone was the warm feelings and joyous smiles. His head is swimming and he groans. 

“Mr. Barnes?” 

His head snaps up too quickly and he bites the inside of his lip to keep from groaning again. He’s in another cell, but unrestrained this time. There’s a woman sitting on a metal chair outside his cell, holding a clipboard and there’s a briefcase resting at her feet. 

She looks a little intimidating. Her dark blond hair is pulled into a tight bun and her dark brown suit is crisp and pressed, tailored to her body even as she sits. Her heels are at least three inches and her nails are small, but slightly pointed and painted a light pink. He sees a recording device pinned to her suit, but she makes no effort to hide it. 

“Please not again,” he can’t stop from saying. His voice is broken and her eyes soften just the tiniest bit. 

“I’m not here to hurt you. I’m not HYDRA, Mr. Barnes. My name is Ava Longstein. I’m going to be your lawyer,” she says. Her voice is soft, a contrast to her sharp looks. “I need to ask you a lot of questions of the course of a few days. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to be painful. I will be wearing this recording device the entire time and taking notes. You are entitled to your own device if you want it. It will stay with you at all times. Do you want it?” she asks, picking up another small device and holding it out. 

_ Yes! That way we can protect it and ourself!  _ the voice says loudly. He nods. He jumps as a tiny window pops open to the cell and she stands to bring it to him. He’s careful not to touch her as he takes it and turns it on at her instructions. Once it’s going, she continues. 

“Now, technically you can stop at any time and I will obey, but I will warn you. If you chose to stop, I will be defending you with little evidence and I won’t be able to do my job as good as I can. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” he says quietly. Like he hasn’t been dealing with pain his whole life. He can handle questions. 

“Very well. Let’s get started. Please state your name, birthday, and place of birth for the records.”

And so it began. He was surprised that she didn’t just jump straight into what he did for HYDRA, but rather his childhood and what the war was like in the beginning. He tells the truth for everything, including his interest in Jacob. It’s nearly three hours later that she starts making her way into what HYDRA did. 

“After you sacrificed yourself, what happened?” Ava asks. James tilts his head, a bit confused.

“I didn’t sacrifice myself,” he says. Now she looks confused.

“You just stated you stood up and demanded they take you instead of Mr. Platt-”

“Yeah, but that wasn’t a sacrifice,” James interrupts.

“I’m sorry, but what do you classify as a sacrifice?”

“I dunno. Like Steve crashing into the ocean. Or Tony willingly taking a missile into space. Or all of them risking their lives for the world countless times.”

“And you believe what you did wasn’t a sacrifice? You gave your own life to save Jacob’s.”

“It wasn’t for him. It was just common sense. He had a life to live still. Granted, we were prisoners, but there was always a chance of escape.”

Ava makes a note. He wishes he could read what she was writing. “You didn’t believe you had a life? What about your family?”

He shakes his head impatiently. James tries not to get upset, but she’s not understanding what he’s trying to say. “It wasn’t about giving my life up. But I was the oldest one there. Twenty-seven. I had already lived my life. Worked in the docks, took care of my family and Steve. Dated. I’d done it all. Most of those soldiers were still teenagers. Drafted right after they left school. Before, in some cases. They hadn’t had a chance to see the world at its best because they were knee deep in its worst. It wasn’t a sacrifice because I wasn’t trying to be a hero. It was just common sense. The longer they took with me, the more chance they had to escape and finish the war so they could start to live their lives. It was pure luck that Steve showed up shortly after, but by then it was too late. It would of been too late for Jacob or anyone they picked.”

Ava writes some more. “I get the feeling, Mr. Barnes, that you thought very little of the draft and the war.”

The voice snorts. He ignores it to speak up. “Of course. It was a different time. Still doesn’t excuse taking boys so young and thrusting them into bloodshed and violence.”

They talk for a bit more, then she brings up the topic he knew was coming and his stomach twists.

“What happened on that train?”

He takes a few minutes, gathering his thoughts. The voice is helpful, supplying details that he’s forgotten. After three minutes of silence, he speaks. 

“I didn’t want to do it,” he admits quietly. The guilt that’s been sitting on his chest for decades rises again. “I didn’t want to go after Zola. I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing him again after those long hours of torture. Everyone knew something wasn’t right with me. The prisoners knew from the beginning, and Steve figured it out along the way. But they never guessed exactly what had happened to me. And I never told them. 

“Once on that train, I shoved everything away. Told myself to watch Steve’s back and that was it. That Steve would handle Zola when it came down to it. But then he got knocked down. The shield landed near me and I didn’t think. I just picked it up and went after the guy. Didn’t think about what had been done to me or the shield or the open hole in the side. Just thought to protect Steve until he got back up. 

“Once I was hanging there, looking up at him, my first thought wasn’t about the danger I was in, or our mission. Seeing Steve there, reaching down to me, my first thought was that I used to do that all the time. Reach down and pick him up. Save him from himself. He didn’t need me anymore, I thought. Steve’s big now and doesn’t need his protector. 

“Then I realized how hard he’d smack me if he heard that. So I pulled myself together and reached for his hand. Then the railing gave way. All those times I picked him up and dusted him off...And I fell before he could do the same to me.”

“Do you recall the fall?” Ava asks quietly. He nods. 

“In perfect detail. One of the symptoms they put in me. Perfect memory when they need it. Otherwise my brain is free to fall to pieces. It was a long fall. Felt like hours. I had enough time to think. I figured I was dead when I hit the ground anyways, so I took that time to think and pray.”

Ava writes. “What did you think about?”

“Everything. Steve, but before. Small Steve. My family. Friends. The girls back home who were expecting letters that would never come. The dock supervisor who would never get the force he had before the war. I thought about Zola too. In some sick way, I was glad I fell. I know how stubborn Steve was. Is. In my mind, Zola stood no chance because now it was personal.”

“And what-”

He doesn’t mean to cut her off, just doesn’t want to hear it from her. “I remember hitting the ground. Actually I hit mountains before the ground. Heard my own bones snap and grind. I hit the side of a mountain the wrong way and mangled my left arm. I remember sliding to the ground, bleeding out, in more pain than even when I was being tortured. The blood from my arm soaking into my clothes. Into my hair.”

Ava looks a little pale, but continues to listen. He rethinks his initial response about her.

“I don’t know how long it was before they found me. Could be hours, could be days. Most likely it was a week. A week of just laying there, drifting in and out. Losing blood, but unable to die because the body kept making new blood. But I remember hearing footsteps crunch in the snow. Remember thinking that I was about to be eaten by some mountain lion. In every way possible, I wish it was the lion that found me. 

“I was barely focusing, but I saw his face. Zola’s. I don’t know if he was there when they found me, or if I’m remembering when they brought me to the base. But I remember him giving the order to remove what was left of my arm. The tendons and muscles had gotten separated by the mountain and healed way off. I couldn’t move it. But I felt it. Found out real quick that anesthesia doesn’t work on me. I felt them cutting through my arm. Removing bone fragments and nerves. Couldn’t even scream because my throat didn’t know how to work properly. 

“But if I thought that was bad, I was unprepared for the metal arm. To this day, that is still the worst possible pain I’ve ever felt. They had to heat it up to make it moldable, so they pressed white hot steel to my skin, burning as they fixed it into place. They invaded my chest and part of my lungs to attach the wires to the nerves. Felt every second of it. Couldn’t even pass out because the body would just bring me back in minutes. Then it was all done. I remember lifting my arms for the first time since the fall. Everything healed and working and the metal arm was gleaming under the lights. 

“I choked out the scientist who came too close. They couldn’t make me release him. He died under my hand and I dropped his body. Right there. They all learned not to get too close after that.”

Ava smiles like she can’t help it. “I would think so.”

She takes him through the beginnings of his missions. He doesn’t talk about the voice, unsure of how to bring it up. But he forces his way through each mission. Ava writes and asks questions, occasionally asking him to clarify. 

But he stops when he gets to the one mission that stayed in his heart. He doesn’t want to reveal the truth about the Starks before Tony can hear it. He pauses, biting his lip.

“James?”

“Can I see Tony? Just for a minute or two?” he blurts out. 

_ She’s gonna say no. Look at the situation we’re in,  _ the voice says. 

But Ava seems to think. “Let me see what I can do,” she finally says, getting up. “I need a break anyways, and I’m sure you do too.”

He doesn’t argue, feeling drained and tired. He slumps against the chair as she leaves the room, heels clicking on the floor. No one else comes in, so he assumes he’s being watched intently. 

He doesn’t know how much time passes. Talking about HYDRA and missions are making him feel worn down, but he knows he has to press on. 

When the door opens again, he’s expecting Ava, frowning as she tells him it’s too dangerous to let Tony in the room. But when he sees wild hair and worried eyes, his heart skips a beat. 

“Hey, Jame-Jame,” Tony says softly. James wonders why he focuses on that one when he’s never heard the others called by the same nickname more than once. 

“Tony,” he tries saying. His voice cracks though and the word catches in his throat. Tony’s frown gets bigger.

“Hey, its okay. What’s going on?” Tony asks. James suddenly can’t speak. He can’t do this. He can’t look Tony in the eyes, his expressive dark eyes, and tell him he’s the reason Tony’s an orphan. 

_ Come on. It’s better to say it all at once. Like a bandaid,  _ the voice says, mentally nudging him. But he can’t. He hears a mental sigh and the voice speaks again.  _ Alright. I’ll take over for you. _

He finds himself opening his mouth. “I have something to tell you and you’re going to get very upset. Possibly even hate me,” he says before he can close his mouth. Inwardly, he panics. He doesn’t want Tony to hate him. 

_ It might be unavoidable.  _ The voice is sad, filled with a sense of despair that squeezes his heart. 

“I can’t hate you, James,” Tony says, stepping up to the cage. There’s a cocking of a gun and James realizes there’s a new guard in the corner. Briefly, he wonders why Tony has a guard and not Ava.

“You say that now. I’m going to tell you something very bad and I’m very sorry,” James says, once again not in control. He mentally steps back and lets the voice use him. He’s not sure he’d find the courage to say it himself. 

When the voice starts talking, he watches Tony’s eyes. They are confused at first, but slowly dim as he realizes what is being said. When he gets to shooting the tires out, Tony’s eyes are flat and his mouth is a thin line. James’ voice cracks as he describes the murders. When he’s done, Tony doesn’t say anything, but looks away.

“I understand if you hate me,” James says on his own softly. Tony snorts, a hard sound. His throat moves, like he’s about to talk, then he snorts again. 

James flinches back as Tony suddenly smacks the glass. The guard aims his gun, but Tony just turns away.

“You’ve spent almost two months with us.” Tony’s voice is wet, like he’s holding back a flood of tears. “You...I thought there was something between us. Like you and Thor.” He laughs now, but it’s a twisted version of his usual laugh. “Thor. You picked up the goddamned hammer! Granted, you couldn’t when you went all Wintery.” He whirls around and his eyes are shining with unshed tears. “Were you just playing with us?”

“What?” James is so dumbfounded by the question, as it’s the furthest thing from his mind, that he can’t do much but stare. Tony grits his teeth and speaks through it. 

“Were you just playing with us? With T’Challa?”

“No!” James wants to jump from the chair to make Tony understand, but he’d get shot for it. “Tony...I-”

“Save it.” Tony looks at him one last time, a swirling mix of emotions playing on his face, before he turns and storms out. 

“Tony!” James calls out, but Tony doesn’t slow down. As the door swings shut behind him, a tear runs down James’ face. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. The voice agrees and together they mourn.

Tony had never even looked back.

 


End file.
